Day 156: A Time to Fly

To be honest, I’ve been thinking about this entry since the day I got here: how to make my study abroad experience a narrative that’s both comprehensible and memorable. So, out of all the entries, this one is probably the most edited, revised, re-edited, and thought out entry.

So, my last day has come. I was walking around outside today one final time around my barrio. I’m actually going to miss being here and there’s no doubt in my mind, I’ll be dreaming of Buenos Aires in my sleep and then waking up only to realize that I’m back in my Soka dorm room. It used to be vice-versa.

Study abroad has been quite an experience. It’s inexplicable in words.

Really.

It knows your weaknesses and it won’t hesitate to hit you where it hurts the most. You feel like you’re out there fighting out in the world, so far apart from home and SUA, and yet the battle is almost too close to home… Because you’re battling yourself, testing who you are.

You are your worst enemy.

Before arriving to Buenos Aires, I thought I had everything figured out: what I wanted to do, how I want to live my life, how I was, how I am, how I wanted to be. But, being in Argentina for 5 months has certainly opened my eyes. In the midst of academics, a new culture, a new city, a new life, I became a different person, whom I couldn’t recognize. And, in this process of not knowing whose skin I was in, I’ve lost all that I thought I was and all that I had: my comfort zone, my beliefs, my values, my identity…

And within this process of becoming this new person and rediscovering myself, I was able to find my faith, find my values, find myself. I was able to renew who I was, to make everything that was loosely a part of me something that is now the strong foundation of who I am today.

For me, study abroad has helped me learn to have faith, to be positive, to not complain, to fight for justice, to open up to people, to struggle through academics, to live by myself, to live independently, to ask for help when I need it… there’s an infinite amount of things to list here. But definitely, the most important thing I was able to experience being abroad is to BE VICTORIOUS no matter the outcome. I’m known to easily be swayed by situations in my environment, but Buenos Aires has taught me that so long as I know that I won, nothing else matters.

Looking out my window as it hit 7:30 pm here, there’s definitely a difference between when I first arrived to Buenos Aires and today. It was damp and foggy, and the first view of the city I saw was all a blur in the misty street side of Buenos Aires. The sun refused to show itself for the first week and the wind was cold and ceaseless. The sun is up now and it’s definitely made things clearer, all the more warmer and a much livelier place to be. It just might be a regular summer day for the portenos here, but it’s certainly a nice end to my study abroad here, a very physical and figurative transformation.

“Winter never fails to turn to spring”

Argentina, you have done me well. Doushiyoumonai jibun wo sukoshi demo seichou shita tto omou. No es “chau” sino es “nos vemos,” Argentina. There’s no doubt that I’ll return one day to revisit you. Thanks for everyone for all your support. And to the Readers Anonymous, it’s been a pleasure for all of you to follow me on my 156-day adventure in Argentina, whether you just came across a single entry or read and re-read every single entry. Thanks for reading, whoever you may be.

Junior year study abroad in Buenos Aires, Argentina. Fall 08.
Mission accomplished.

Guys, I’m comin’ home.



“This life is just a blink of an eye / A glimpse into the world / We were never meant to see / So don’t hang on to anything at all / And all the things we have / And all the people we have known / Will fade away so quickly into the deep / And memories of love will be the only warmth we have in the end” – “Debussy” by Daphne Loves Derby

Day 154: Study Abroad is…What You Make of It

My final full week here ends with today. I won’t say much since I have loads saved for my last entry in terms of summing up study abroad for me.

BUT, I do have to say it was quite an emotional, physical, spiritual adventure.

No doubt that if I hadn’t built up my spiritual stamina, I would not have gotten through this alive, cheerful and positive. I went through a lot of shit, especially these past few weeks and I still wonder how I got through it. But certainly a large part of it had to do with the support that I had gotten, both direct and indirect. Thank you.

I learned that, a lot of things in life, not just study abroad in my case, are dependent on how you look at it. Every situation has a pleasing side and a not-so-pleasing side. You can spend an entire lifetime looking at the negative things in life and complaining about them and be miserable because of them. But, what good does that do you? It adds more stress and everything feels like it’ll take an eternity to get through.

But, if you look on the flip side, you visualize the light at the end of the tunnel, you won’t let things take over how you feel. You have absolute control of how you feel, regardless of your situation. In turn, not only does this help YOU, but it also helps other people around you to feel the same.

I know I have had my moments where I would get clobbered by my negativity, but then my friends would help me bring me up to a better, more positive state of mind. I guess that’s why people need people, to motivate each other when they are down, to give a lending hand. Study abroad has definitely helped me understand that.

Why did I blabber on about outlook? It’s what helped me make the most out of my study abroad. When I first arrived, I was very negative about my situation. That, in turn, affected my way of living here. But, I later realized that I was just arrogant and negative, and I had a huge ego glued to my forehead. After I had thrown those away in the trash, liberating myself of junk that I don’t need anyway, life was good.

I can’t say I traveled as much as the other people around the program, but what I did do in Buenos Aires and the trips I took outside of the city, I enjoyed every minute of it. It’s thanks to the awesome friends that I have who dragged me out into the world; they are sadly not with me now. They left yesterday on the group flight.

It’s weird and somewhat kind of a slap in the face with an “I told you so,” but the moment I woke up this morning and realized that I wasn’t going to receive anymore random texts from my friends, it was kind of sad. Didn’t know what to think really. But somehow, I feel that’s the next step I need to take when I get back.

To continue what I’ve created in the 5 months I was here in Buenos Aires.

Day 151: When There’s Calamity, One Seeks Peace

I’ve dubbed this week, the final week of my study abroad, as probably the bitch of all weeks. All my finals are/were this week.

There’s nothing more frustrating and upsetting than not being understood. My ability to communicate verbally was bad enough in English [better since the stutter went away] but to be able to do it in Castellano was something else. But I was able to get by conversationally and whatnot.

But man did I take a blow from my orals this week. Orals at la FUC work like this: you create a presentation on any topic that you choose and just explain it to the professor. Then afterwards, the professor asks you questions about your topic and other things that were covered in class. The whole process itself lasts around 15-30 minutes, depending on how much one talks. With this in mind, I prepared for my orals that week.

On Monday, after waiting 6 hours to take my final, I first freaked out because there were 2 professors evaluating me and I was saying a bunch of BS, so they let me look over my notes while another person went. While that went on, the other professor became available and so I ended up trying to take my oral with her. After a few sentences, the professor stopped me and told me that there was no way of evaluating me because what I was saying wasn’t pertinent to the topic that I had chosen… AND I was just not making any sense at all…

So, I failed that oral.

I was completely taken aback and I totally lost motivation to speak any lick of Spanish, fearing that no one would understand me. That night, I developed a horrible case of hives and my stomach was restless. I didn’t want to eat or drink anything at all. I also went to bed before midnight, which was something I hadn’t done since the first few weeks of my stay here.

I woke up itchy and still sick to my stomach. But, I knew I had to continue moving forward so I got out of bed, did gongyo, dropped off my laundry at the launders and came back to study for my next exam. The entire day went by and all I could think about was what the professor told me. It was still devastating. If my ideas weren’t understood by her, then who would understand? That was the mindset I had. I sought out answers that I never got, so I decided to chant a lil more to bring up my motivation to at least be productive.

Then my dad called.

I can count on family to help me out even in the deepest shit holes. So, he told me not to worry and to just establish my point and start with that first, rather than having to build up an argument before making the point. Well, with that in mind, I was able to focus more on what I was studying and what I was going to say. I was in the study mindset, but physically my body was still bearing down on me. But I ended up staying up all night studying.

I was sure that the teacher was wrong in failing me and that I was determined to prove it to her by passing my other two finals. That’s probably what drove me.

The next day, I only waited 5 hours to take my final. When they called out my name, it was a professor I had never seen before. I was slightly worried that she would be the one grading me. Turns out my worries had come to realization. I sat down and she first started up a casual conversation about Murakami Haruki and how it was a shame that we weren’t able to read him. So, after that I started my oral and everything flowed to perfection. I was able to say everything that I wanted to day.

When I finished my part of the oral, another professor came and sat down next to the professor who was evaluating me and she started asking me these questions. I was SHOCKED. I was unable to answer some of her questions because she was only a substitute for my teacher a couple of times. Well, in short, after I was done, the professor told me that she had a moral issue with grading me because of the language barrier. What completely blew me away was that she said that without being there for MY part of the oral.

So I left pissed and upset because I thought, yet again, that I had failed.

I got home and collapsed on my bed and when I woke up my face was hives-driven. I didn’t know what to do. I completely broke down. But in the midst of that, I was studying. The anger I had over that oral drove me to study for my final oral, the class that almost equals to grad level.

But, then I fell asleep and woke up at 8 this morning. I FREAKED. I messaged all my friends on skype who were on at the time, and they all told me the same thing: CHANT and STUDY. So, that’s what I did. After I showered and got ready, every moment I wasn’t studying I was chanting, and every moment I wasn’t chanting I was studying. I left the apartment brimming with confidence and courage. I picked up my grade sheet for my professor and found out that I had actually passed my second oral. This only gave me more courage to triumph over this last exam. I waited only 3 hours to take this exam and when I walked in, the teacher was very quiet, didn’t give me any weird looks, nada.

I was sure that I had passed when I got through my part of the oral. Then she dropped a question on a book that I hadn’t studied. For a moment I got discouraged, even a lil teary-eyed, but I didn’t let it get to me. I was honest and told her that I remembered nothing on the topic. I was ready to pick up my bag and leave when she sighed and asked me a different question. I was still unsure about how to answer, but I was able to say something. She continued asking me these questions, even asked me to interpret the original English title of one of the readings and it all ended with a “correcto” and “gracias.”

I was ecstatic. I was so happy I wanted to jump up and cheer. I don’t know whether I actually failed the last oral or not, and I probably won’t know till my transcript comes back, but today I laid my academic worries to rest. Today, justice was served.

Today, I was victorious. Total and absolute victory.

Day 137: Yes, I’m Asian, Will You Stop Taking Pictures of Me Now…

As I take a break from my studies for a final that I have 2moro, I’m remembering what sort of day it was today. It’s one of those days that you wish you have more of, but you know you can’t have too much it because somehow, it’ll lose that feeling—that it’s one of those days that you just yearn for.

I went out to eat lunch with a friend of mine today after being at COPA for a few hours and got stared at by a family that came in a little after us. I heard the little girl say discreetly, China, Es una china… and I look over and the dad is taking a picture with his cell phone. I’m sure the look on my face was like this: =_=;;

It’s amazing how much patience you learn from being here for almost 4, going on 5 months. I’ve grown to shrug off people like that… It’s quite an interesting…experience actually. Well, I’m glad I made someone’s day… I guess.

We studied at the restaurant for a few hours for the final we have 2moro and then went out to a bookstore to have Mirta [my lit teacher here] sign cuz she’s the daughter of Roberto Arlt. Aahahah. She’s so awesome and I’m gonna miss her.

Then I got to see the renowned Afrikanito cookies. It’s quite interesting. XD My friend wasn’t joking. They were indeed next to the Ratonito cookies.



That’s definitely saying something. Didn’t buy either of those, but we got cake which was HELLA good. We ate it in the park as we watched kids play soccer.

It’s been a productive day on a nice day in Buenos Aires. It’s just one of those days.

So that aside, updates. I’m going to have a reprise expedition to Mendoza, this time, for a week! We have so many plans already, it’s going to be great. Leaving Sunday night and then returning Saturday morning. Fun, right?

And then, I have to take my other two finals. Geh. The difficult ones. Blah. Well, at least I have more to say and I know what exactly I’m presenting on. I just need to be able to pass the part where they ask me questions. I can’t wait to be over with finals. It’s the one thing holding me back from just letting loose. What sucks is I only have 4 and half days after finals are over to do everything that I want to. Why did they have to make that week. Bleh.

Ah, but it’s coming down to this, it’s unbelievable. The semester is ending [por fin] and we’re all going back our own places soon. We’re planning a final track de cine gathering before everyone departs. Although, I’ve had my share of bitching and complaining, I love what I studied [even though it’s jeopardized my GPA], the people I studied with, the people I studied from and impart befriended.

It’s been quite an experience. Just 19 more days to go [soon to be 18 as I’m typing this]. I just need to not spend too much. Hahah. At least I can stay at my host mom’s apartment for the 2 days after the program ends so I don’t have to stay in a hostel. Saved 60-some pesos there.

Oh, time’s up. Back to studies.

Day 133: “Live and Let Learn, Love All You Can Love & Smile” said the Music Box

It’s recently come to my realization that life’s greatest lessons, no matter how much you’re taught about them or how much you anticipate them, you’ll never know the true meaning of them until you experience them yourselves. The moment you experience something epic, something intrinsically within you clicks.

I spent half of my life being told how I arrogant I was or how big of an ego/pride that hold and I never really realized how just how much I was arrogant/egotistical/overly-proud until I saw what I was doing to myself because of my arrogance. I was closing myself out of this world and waiting out my study abroad till the end so I could go home. Now, 23 days before I leave for home, I’ve never felt so unprepared to leave. It really hit me. And I think I was lucky enough to realize this while I’m still here in Argentina.

However, this is nothing new. I’m just slow to realize things that affect me as such. My mind is always…elsewhere.

I think despite having studied in at a film school this semester, it was too theoretical beyond comprehension. I’m sure I failed one of them already. But, there’s nothing that can stop me from moving toward my goals in life. Of course, I’m upset that my grades didn’t turn out the way I wanted, but I’m not going to let it hinder my path toward my mission in life.

I’ve also realized here just how much music is a part of my life. The absence of being able to just walk into a room with a piano and play has left me incomplete. I thought film would be enough to fulfill my life, but more recently I found myself humming new tunes and writing lyrics. Over this summer I had teetered between movie-making and music composing. I didn’t know which to choose and I had a really hard time deciding which I should devote more time to. But, as Nona had told me through a phone call at 1am in the morning [a true friend], if I enjoy doing both, I should just do both and not worry about it.

This was definitely a reply to all my efforts in my life of literal creativity.

However, a little of that hole filled itself when I presented my movie. It was the first time I was able to show a completed filmic work in front of a people solely for its purpose. It was completely stand alone and didn’t have to compliment a paper or a study. And, it was also in front of my 4 COPA professors that specialize in film critique. It was received pretty positively, I would say, though I have to say I like everyone else’s movie more than mine. For the amount of time it took to put it together, it’s okay, but I know it could be better.

“A creative artist works on his next composition because he was not satisfied with his previous one.” – Dimitri Shotakovich

If I had more time in Buenos Aires, I want to remake it using all the comments that I got to make it better. Oh, how I wish I could just do that.

On a different note, it’s interesting how you can look back and find support from the things you’ve done in the past. As Kuru Kuru Team, we wrote a song for Student Festival earlier this year, and listening to the song and taking in the lyrics made me realize just how much wisdom I had before I came on study abroad, how much I needed to keep aiming higher and making determinations to live each moment of every day. I found it interesting that I was able to find comfort in something I created months before without anticipating that’d I’d look back on it now thinking about it.

I don’t have much more to say after all that, but SMILE. Even the shittiest day can change if you just smile. For some reason, it has the ability to make you feel much better, and it has even a greater capacity to make other’s happy also.

As I’ve said at the start of this entry, life’s greatest lessons don’t click until you truly experience them. Up until that point you can only trust that what people will tell you about their experiences is what it will be when it happens to you. There will be moments when you think you understand, but there will moments after that that’ll get you closer to that understanding. Life itself is a learning process. I thought I had been living a life of creativity, but only in the most literal sense. I only realize now that I’m beginning to live a creative life on the most fundamental level as well.

Damn, last day of November, first final tomorrow. Gya!

“There is no one lonelier or more unhappy than a person who does not know the pure joy of creating a life for himself or herself. To be human is not merely to stand erect and manifest intelligence or knowledge. To be human in the full sense of the word is to lead a creative life.

“The struggle to create new life from within is a truly wonderful thing. There is found the brilliant wisdom that guides and directs the workings of reason; the light of insight that penetrates the farthest reaches of the universe; the undaunted will to see justice done that meets and challenges all the assaults of evil; the spirit of unbounded care that embraces all who suffer. When these are fused with that energy of compassion that pours forth from the deepest sources of cosmic life, an ecstatic rhythm arises to color the lives of all people.” – Buddhism Day by Day, November 24.

End – Week 19: The Final Forefront

Day 129...130: Jaded...

So... the sun is rising soon. Or at least I think it is. You can't really tell with all the buildings, but it's a fact that it's getting lighter out, and there's already trucks driving around. Que ruidoso.

I'm still attempting to finish my LAST essay of my study abroad experience. Unfortunately, it's supposed to be 10 pages, and I only have 4...well technically 3. What is wrong with me, seriously. Oh, did I mention that it's "technically" due in 4 hours.

Aha. Ha. Ha. Ha.

No, seriously, I'm laughing. This week so far, I've only slept, at most, 7 hours. I'm tired, but I'm almost there. This week was pretty tough:

- 1 report on Operacion Masacre
- 1 4-page essay
- 1 10-page essay (still finishing it up)
- 2 midterm retakes (1 more today)
- 1 short film

It's worse than in the states, SERIOUSLY. I thought it was bad that teachers had homework due on the same day. I can't ever imagine going through something like this again, where all my "finals" are due the same week. I've never been so tired. The fact that everyday is in the high 80s/low 90s doesn't help much either. It's really a pain to be walking around outside in my own skin, because it's just so humid and hot. But, despite being tired and unmotivated to do work, I've never been so productive for a long period of time.

I think the key thing is to get out of the room and study elsewhere.

Anyway, final day before oral exams! Premiere of my short film, which I will try to post as soon as I get the chance, midterm retake #2, and... long-ass essay due that I still need references for.

Yeah. I should... go back to writing that paper.

P.S. I miss being able to walk over next door and asking for food [suffering from all-nighter munchies].

Day 124: It’s Easy to Shut Yourself from the World…

The greatest obstacle, devilish function, challenge has fallen upon me this week. I want to start by saying that the system here in Argentina isn’t something to really gloat about. Before this week, I didn’t realize how I was doing in any of my classes, save my lit class which had its midterm way in October. I received both my grades for both of my other parciales for my other 2 classes.

2s. The system here works on a 1-10 scale, 10 being the highest. In other words, I’m failing two classes. My heart sank. I lost all will to stand, suddenly felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I felt alienated. Two tests I thought I had done well on and these were the end results. I had studied tirelessly for one, and even studied with a group for other.

Fucking 2s. It was like getting hit by a truck twice, only because I found out my grades on two separate days.

Is this what my study abroad here has come down to? Failing grades? To add salt to the wound, for one of my classes, my friends [also exchange students] passed. I didn’t want to see them. I didn’t have the courage to face them…rather…anybody. I was ashamed. So I left.

You know the moments in movies when some poor guy gets dumped or something and he goes into this trance while stumbling along the street side, humming some unrecognizable song in the rain. That’s what it felt like. I finally understood what it’s like to feel so low.

Usually, I find myself drowning myself in music with English or Japanese lyrics whenever I’m stressed about anything. But, recently I lent my friend my USB cable to charge my iPod, so I drained it well before I got these grades back.

It’s so easy to shut yourself out from the world. You just put ear buds in your ears and let pieces of home heal your heart.

When I needed this the most, I didn’t have it. The world completely crashed on me and there was nowhere for me to escape. I was so stuck in a world I didn’t want to be in, I began to shut the world out completely. I didn’t care what happened to me. My legs just took me where they wanted me to and the breath in lungs slowly escaped my throat, creating a song that even I didn’t know. The Castellano around me never reached me. It was as in an instant my ability to speak and understand Castellano disappeared. I wanted to stand in the middle of traffic and just let it all go. Because I felt that I had nothing to cling to.

Normally, I wouldn’t freak about bad grades, but just in the context of how I’m able to study abroad in the Butler program because I fought to get in, made me feel horrible. “It’ll be too difficult for you…” “You’re not proficient enough…” Those words just kept repeating and repeating in my head over the course of those days. I fell deeper and deeper into those words. I could just imagine the “I told you so” the moment I stepped back on campus. What was my purpose for being here? Why did I come? Every reason I had come here for completely left my mind.

I really didn’t know how I would get myself out of this episode.

But I think one thing for sure [and I truly realize this now] is that I’m so protected. Both of these days I was able to confide in friends who’ve helped me get out of this. And my dad called me out of the blue, which, just hearing his voice made me feel much better. I talked to my mom about it also, and I’m just so appreciative to have parents that support me with this situation.

I’m still in that trance and I think I still have some block in my mind, although I’m slowly getting out of it. I’m able to at least retake these exams this coming week so I need to prep up for that and then prepare for the finals that come after. There’s no time for me to waste. It’s either I fail not trying, or I try to pass with my all.

Within my last 31 days here, I have two re-takes, one 4-page essay, one book report, one 10-page essay, a presentation on feminism, a short film, and 3 oral presentations to write and prepare. My heart wants to go home, so bad. But, I’m almost there. Just a few bumps to get over.

All I can do now is chant, renew my determinations, work and study all that I can. These obstacles are coming to me now for a reason, and surely if I overcome them, some good will come. I’m setting aside any setbacks for now, but surely some repercussions will come later. But, right now, I just need to focus on the “now”. The causes I’m making today for my tomorrows…

Thanks for the support.