Day 35: Inner Development and Solitude

Today, I went to the Japanese Garden with Erika and another friend of mine from my program. We went today because we had heard that there was a Dondou Matsuri there. We’d never heard of it so we decided to check it out [that and we’ve been wanting to see the largest Japanese Garden outside of Japan]. The place was really serene and refreshing. I’ve decided that one day when I have a house, I will have a small Japanese Garden in my backyard.





Our visit got cut short because we got hungry and decided to eat outside the garden because the restaurant inside was kind of pricey…which in the end didn’t really make a difference because the place we ended up eating at was expensive. It was good food, though [even though we got charged table service…XP]. My friend left a little early, so Erika and I were going to places like the grocery store and office supply store. Haha, at one point we crossed the street before realizing we never checked if there was incoming traffic.

Luckily, we didn’t die.

Oh yea, we met a guy from northern Peru who was selling bracelets at the feria. He was talking about how he liked to surf and find information about this one game through traveling. He wanted to make a movie on the information he gathered. He was really chill. I’m glad there are still friendly faces of strangers that exist in this world. It seems that the more we advance we become more faceless and emotionless. This is what I thought about the U.S. before I left, but then I saw that here, too [I’m writing an essay about this so one day I’ll post it elsewhere for people to read].

This is the kind of day I needed after a day’s worth of practically staying inside. I calm, but productive day out with friends. I guess getting out of my little bubble is what my brain needed to circulate and organize the junk and thoughts in my head.

Standing on the concrete island in the middle of the 3-way, triangulated streets of Plaza Italia, staring at one of the Barneys waving to the kids that walked passed him, I had an epiphany.

I’d grown up.

As I waited for the crosswalk light to tell us to go, my entire childhood as if in slow-motion flashed before me. Barney. I used to watch Barney in the mornings before I attended school. And, people used to make fun of him when I started school, and I would lie and say I never watched him because I was afraid of being teased. Then later on, in middle school/high school, it used to be the talk of nostalgia, but I was still afraid to take part in that.

Afraid of being left out.

I realized today, that I’ve built this wall around me, a mental block that refused to let people in. I never really fit in when I was in grade school and got picked on quite a few times [I was never one to start up a conversation], so I always had my guard up since then. Today, I realized I’ve let that interfere with how I communicate with people. I used to let my assumption of how people would judge me take away the confidence to open up.

But on study abroad, you can’t be so guarded. I can’t change how people will initially think of me, but I can change how they will see me after I take the initiative to make that connection.

I’ve been so blind to the development of my own life. It makes me wonder sometimes just whose life exactly have I been living?

You know, we talk about growth as if it’s a physical or even mental phenomenon. I think I can finally say, in the past few years I was able to polish the more obvious things about me, like my outward attitude towards people, the way I deal with different situations and stuff like that. I was able to grow from the external struggles that were brought upon me. But, I think that’s a growth that’s much on a much shallower level.

From here on, it’ll be a growth that’ll be much deeper that’s so rooted within that we’re not conscious of it, a growth that allows our physical selves to connect to the innermost self on the most fundamental level.

It’s been a physically wearisome week, being sick and all, but I think as long as I’m still on a mental and emotional high, I’ll be okay. The song I picked for this week describes just how this week has been. Though I try to write more positively about my academics here, it’s hard and it’s definitely a struggle. In all honesty, it’s frustrating not understanding every word I hear.

But, it’s okay. I just remember just that much.

Makesou de nakisou de // Kieteshimaisou boku wa // Dare no kotoba wo shinji arukeba ii no? // Aa Makenaii de nakanai de // Kieteshimaisou na toki wa // Jibun no koe wo shinjiarukeba ii no // Itsu no jidai mo kanashimi mo // Sakete wa torenai keredo // Egao wo misete ima wo ikite yukou // Ima wo ikite yukou // Haikei kono tegami yondeiru anata ga // Shiawase na koto wo negaimasu

“Seems like I’m about to be defeated and cry // For someone who’s seemingly about to disappear // Whose words should I believe in? // Please don’t be defeated and please don’t shed a tear // During these times when you’re seemingly about to disappear // Just believe in your own voice // No matter what era we’re in // There’s no running away from sorrow // So show your smile, and go on living the present // Go on living the present // Dear you // Who’s reading this letter // I wish you happiness” – “Tegami” by Angela Aki

End – Week 5: On Becoming a Filmmaker

Day 34: Study Abroad is About Learning How to Communicate

So, I found out today that while I’m at home in my room, thinking everyone is out doing something and too busy to pick up a phone call from me, that there are other people, like my friends, who are also at home in their rooms thinking the same thing.

And…where did the communication go awry?

Anyway, unlike Soka where you usually see everyone every day [and if you don’t there’s something terribly wrong], I fell back into the groove of seeing someone and not seeing them for a really, really long time, even with friends. So, today, I had dinner with my friend whom I hadn’t seen for 2 weeks now. So, we were catching up. How our host families are; what we’ve been up to; how classes were going; if there’s any big news that we needed to share.

We got into politics. You know, for me, it’s hard to keep up with politics here, especially during one of the most important seasons for United States citizens. So my friend and I were trying to discuss who would be the better candidate come November. It’s hard because we don’t get much of who stands where here, unless we look it up on the internet. We could find something in the daily papers, but there are 3 things that are very prominent here:
1) People are politically-geared, not just about Argentina, but elsewhere as well
2) No one likes Bush. And, and people are curious whether you do.
3) Everyone idolizes Obama.

That’s enough for me to kind of stray away from daily newspapers, as they could be muchly biased and extremely leftist/rightist, depending on which paper I buy. So, I’ve left the daily newspaper for Argentine news. The rest of the investigation-to-be for which president to elect will be done on the internet, with much thinking to be done afterwards.

Aside from that, I wasn’t much for getting out today. I wanted to make sure I got better, especially before my class routine kicked in because commute is definitely not a 5-minute walk like Soka. It’s a 30-minute walk to the station, 10-minute ride on the subway, and another 15-minute walk to the university. Though I enjoy the travel, I’m less up for it if I don’t feel well.

You know, you don’t realize just how much the world passes you by when you’re sitting in your room, sick with nothing to do. If my friend hadn’t called me, my day would’ve totally lacked Spanish communication [my internet was good enough that I was able to watch 3 episodes of Seigi no Mikata]. And, I realized today, my speaking flow was much more fluid. I had to stop to think about a few words, but in general, it was definitely flowing.

I totally gave myself an A in my head. 8]

I remembered a time when I first got to SUA and all I could say was “Nandeyanen!” in Japanese. My Japanese grammar sucked all of freshman year and I remember having to think of phrases way in advance, just to be able to use them when the time was right…and then saying it wrong in the end anyway.

It was kind of that same process of being able to speak in another language. I don’t quite remember what helped me improve, but I did. I guess it was because I constantly thought about it and was around people who spoke. So, hopefully just being around people and …not eavesdropping, but eavesdropping will help me try to understand what people are saying.

However…one thing I can say though is Japanese is more or less the first language I learned, so it might have something to do with me being able to relearn it so fast. But, now, I don’t have a mental block that stops me from really expressing myself in Spanish/Castellano. So, definitely. I will improve to communicate.

Or at least enough to be able to inspire others. 8]

Day 33: I Swear, After This, I’ll Never Get Sick Again…

The story is the same. Kusho is known only to get terribly sick once a year and usually that happens during break or vacation when it doesn’t interfere with anything.

This year is different.

I missed 3 days during spring semester and missed one day of Spanish. Yes. And now, I am in pain. Yes, my body is aching, terribly. But, I am okay. It’s just irritating that whatever position I put myself in, I am not comfortable and my head spins. Yes. The horrible aftereffects of getting hives. My inability to feel just how hot or cold it is outside has got people staring at me for reasons outside of what I’m used to.

I was in my bright orange shorts and a hoodie today.

Despite feeling slightly light-headed, today was a productive day, not that I wanted to be productive, but I had to.

You know, the luxury of living inside a dorm is that you have everything necessary and important close to you [yes, the concept of necessity and importance can be argued, but let’s pretend to be brainwashed Americans for one second].

I was out of clothes. I needed to do laundry. To be quite honest, I miss being able to just walk up to a washer with my own detergent and do my own clothes for $1 per load, then putting it in the dryer for $0.50, waiting for it to finish, and then going through a nice relaxing folding trance where you can just forget about whatever shit you’re going through. I miss that.

I have to pay extra expenses here, just to get that done, at almost $5.50 per load. And today, when I went to pick up my clothes, I ended up getting someone else’s socks too. Yes. I miss doing things by myself.

The reason I miss it NOW is because of this.

ATMs…all of them. No me gusta. I realized why it only spits out 100 pesos at a time. Because no one else uses them. I wanted to pay my 32 pesos at the laundry place with a 100-peso bill, but they didn’t have change. They didn’t have 68 pesos that they could spare, and still run the business to give change. That’s the thing here, unless you go out to eat an expensive meal or go to a big store like Musimundo [equivalent to Best Buy], you can’t break a 100-peso bill…which is usually the only bills you get out of an ATM.

Que problema. Since I’ve been here, I’ve been withdrawing weird amounts every week from ATMs like 490 pesos, or 530 pesos, just to get the smaller bills. But, today, every ATM I went to told me to withdraw in increments of 50 pesos. So, I had to suffice with a 50-peso bill, which in reality is much better than a 100-peso bill. But, you get what I mean.

ANYWAY, that was my peeve of the day. Outside of that, I walked around the streets, just for the sake of walking. There’s definitely a difference between walking for the sake of walking and walking for the sake of getting somewhere. You definitely notice more when you’ve got nowhere to go. You notice how business men who walk with their [I think] colleagues wear the same suit and tie; how even dogs stare like the people do here; how every morning, business owners and landlords mop their section of their sidewalk; how homeless people have their own places to call home; how people who go through trash wear brand names like Adidas.

Little things like that. It’s pretty cool.

Oh, I also noticed that people who give out fliers on the side of the streets, don’t try to give me one, oh, except the people that hand out “English classes at UBA” fliers. I get those ALL the TIME. My friend yesterday brought up a very good point. She said, “You probably get asked all the time if you’re an exchanged student.” It’s very true.

After coming here, I’ve realized things like that. The United States is very unique because people from everywhere are there. People are slightly more used to having people of other ethnicities around them. But, places like Argentina, it’s almost homogenous. So, if they just happen to see someone that looks slightly different from them, they stare. I’ve gotten used to it. It’s not that big of a deal anymore. Just smile and say “Hola.”

Another thing I’ve realize since coming here is that cars and buses are disgusting. The world could do without them. Seriously. I blew my nose today and realized just how much air pollution is getting sucked into my system. Yea, I know. Gross. I’ve been taking the subway, which I’m pretty sure is much greener than cars and buses. It’s the one place where I can breathe without choking on the amount of soot and exhaust that comes out of the cars the rev around the streets [though I’m probably breathing something else].

So, when I get back on campus, I’m buying a bike, not a car. It’ll be my way of transportation from the campus to the town center. It’s cheaper, it’s healthier, and it’s a faster means to get from point A to point B than on foot. Yes. I’ll do my part to help save the earth. 8]

“Human life is indeed wondrous. You may be ill physically, but as long as your mental state is strong, it most certainly will exert a positive influence on your body. There may be no better remedy than hope.” – Daisaku Ikeda.

Still fighting strong.

P.S, I want to buy an air freshener for my room, so that I don’t always smell cigarettes, but is it in anyway disrespectful to my host mom? O_o

P.P.S, Angela Aki is my hero.

Day 32: Reminds Me of High School…

Today I was supposed to wake up at 6, to catch the train at 7, to be at class at 8.

FAT CHANCE.

I woke up at 6:45, ended up leaving the apartment at 7:15, and ran my ass off and made it to class by 8:05. My alarm clock [which is my cell phone, playing Yukiyanagi] had been going off for 45 minutes [it plays goes for 2 minutes in 9-minute intervals] before I even heard anything. And the phone was right next to my ears too! Damn ears…

Which reminds me of a story about the ride to Mendoza.

All throughout the bus ride there, they played old American music videos. I’m talking 80s/90s music videos. It was nice to listen to American music, but Erika and I were wondering what the ARGENTINE passengers thought. Anyway, the next morning, when I wake up, Erika nudges me and tells me “Dude, they played one Japanese song last night.” I was like, “really?!” And asked what song it was. She didn’t quite know, but she was sure it was Japanese. I was kind of disappointed because I missed it. But, then she tells me, “Listen, there it is again!”

We were both sitting there, listening intently. I heard it! And I listened a little more just to see what song it was…

And then it hit me.

It was my cell phone, playing the first 30 seconds of Yukiyanagi over and over again. Yep. Needless to say, when I took out my cell phone to turn it off, it was so loud, I’m pretty sure I woke up everyone else on the bus. Mmhmm…

So, yes, I got to class late. I was kind of stunned when I walked in because it was a different professor. Turns out at FUC, there’s a professor for the practical studies and professor for the theoretical studies. So, for each class, I have 2 professors, each with their own homework assignment. That means, I’m practically taking 9 classes [my Castellano class is just Patricio, so that’s why the odd number]. Yay… …

I’m glad I have one slack class though, the Panorama de Literatura, since I’ve read most of the things that we’re going to read. It’s actually curious, because I had been aching to read some of the stuff I read back in freshmen year of high school, and almost everything we’re reading are by the authors I studied during that time. Poe, Chekov, Kafka, etc.etc along with other authors. This class balances out my two high-level, philosophically-geared classes. In fact, this is my schedule [hopefully, it won’t change for the millionth time]:



My other class is pretty basic. I’m pretty sure it’s similar to intro to film studies, plus a mix of Buenos Aires/Argentine culture. I learned a lot about what to look for in a scene to analyze it. How different camera shots work. And, a little bit of film history too. Very interesting. For this class, if I understood correctly, we have to make a short piece about Buenos Aires. I think I’m going to do mine on people. Elaboration on the topic is still yet to be thought about.

By the end of this class, I was so tired I could pass out and never wake up. But, before I went home I went out for pizza with a few people in my class. It’s amazing where people my age have already been: Turkey, Brazil, Honduras, France, etc… And actually, where they want to go too, like Iran. It’s very diverse group of people. Afterwards, when I was walking to the station with a friend, we came across a rally/protest thing. It was insane how many people were at Plaza de Mayo. They were shooting fireworks and a marching band was playing and everything. I got out of there quick…




When I got home, I passed out. Until dinner.

Dinner was actually at Mario’s tonight [the program director]. He invited all the people in tracks for dinner. I was kind of nervous getting there because the area he lives in is notorious for danger. But, I got there fine [he has a really, really nice house].

Met up with other people in my program and had probably the most delicious vegetarian food I’ve had ever [and my first completely home-cooked meal]. Apparently, Mario’s partner cooked everything. It was pita bread, with a bunch of different types of picada [salsa-ish things] and humus. I’ve never been so satiated by the food here, and actually felt good about eating it [as opposed to eating steak…and realizing it was too heavy to eat]. A light dinner, and then really, really good ice cream. One thing I LOVE here is ice cream. It’s the best. So rich and creamy.

During this delicious experience, I got to know many more people from my program. I’ve realized [almost] everyone is from a small school, just like I am. And THERE ARE places that have better treatment than SUA. [SHOCK! I know]. I also got to talk to COPA staff, and they knew a lot about the good places to eat. I can’t wait to go and try them out.

Since the subte stopped at 10:00ish, I had to leave a little early. I left with a few friends from the film track and we were all blabbering in Castellano. One of the guys told me that my Castellano has improved so much since I’ve gotten here. I was soooooo happy someone told me I was improving, because it is very hard to tell when all you get are really strained looks of people trying to understand you.

Good night. Very good night.

P.S… So I’ve concluded that Fridays are garbage days. How do I know? The garbage truck is making obnoxious sounds as I type. Yes. At 1:30 in the morning. Lovely, yea?

Day 31: Yappa…Gariben ni Nacchau na…

So…physically, I still felt like shit, but I was so excited to go to class. It’s definitely more reassuring to be able to go to the first day of class and know what’s going on, rather than going the second or third day, and being absolutely clueless.

My first class of the day was Panorama de Literatura. I was quite interested to see what connections can be made between literature and cinema, and I definitely want to use what I learn here, toward my capstone. Of course, as Argentine tradition goes, the professor [or rather profesora in this case] was about 15-20 minutes late. She’s an elderly lady, who has slightly a hard time hearing. When she called out attendance, she looked at me and asked if I was Chinese.

Seriously…she could’ve at least asked what my ethnicity was. Jeez.

That question seriously gave me a huge blow to my Japanese blood. BUT, it’s okay…I shouldn’t take any offense, since it’s their way of asking such a thing. Right…? Nevertheless, I was able to connect with the professor on a level that I wasn’t able to with at the other universities, which gave me sense of comfort. I really thought that the professor cared about getting to know her students; she openly admitted wanting to get to know us while doing attendance.

I like this class. It’s interesting how she connects the formation of literature to scriptwriting. They’re more similar than I thought. A lot of what we’re reading is going to be review for me, but I’m glad. At least I understand the stories in English, so I just need to process them in Castellano. I was glad.

After class, my friend and I went to the café and had lunch. We talked about the differences between the universities that were offered to us outside of the film track and the university we were at. I think everyone in our film track likes this university. It’s a nice environment to study in, nice professors and interesting people. Just like Soka.

We also stopped by the copiadora, which is a place where they sell copies of all the materials you need for your classes. Can you believe that this system actually exists?! It’s cheap. Much better than buying books [though books are nicer to carry around]. So, what we do is we find the binder with the name of our course and [sometimes] professors, and in there are sheet protectors filled with pages of readings that’s offered in that class. You just take that sheet protector of the reading you need and they copy if for you.

It’s convenient. It’s easy. It’s accessible.

Ufufu… [I can get readings for classes I’m not even taking… Oh the possibilities, of study beyond studies]

My second and final class for today was Estética Cinematográfica. Turns out there are 7 out of 8 of us in the film track in this class. It’s only because there two different sections combined. Which reminds me… My section got changed. This class/section was supposed to be on Mondays and Wednesday, but it changed for the better. It’s only on Wednesdays now, for 4-5 hours. If all goes well, and I take the classes that I’ve been taking, then I don’t have classes on Mondays or Fridays.

W00t. 4-day weekends.

Anyway, this class is pretty heavy with philosophy. But, it’s interesting to learn about the visual aesthetics of film and the process of understanding and creating meaning behind it through philosophy. Our first reading in the class: Delueze. I read him for philosophy two semesters ago. So, I’m glad I have some background. Although, this class and my other theory and aesthetics class maybe difficult [they are 3rd year film school material after all], I think I’ll work my butt off and enjoy these classes.

Yep. I’m gonna study hard. Make the most out of this film school…because I don’t know when I’ll be able to take classes at a film school again.

I’m a nerd. I’m a geek.

And I am proud.

Day 30: Citius, Altius, Fortius

I’ve been more aware of the Olympics than I have ever been in my life. I dunno why, but it’s interesting to watch. Last night, I was watching synchronized swimming. Absolutely amazing what people can do when they put their minds to it. Absolutely, making the impossible possible.

Well, as pumped as I may seem, I’m slightly sick again. My bad case of hives has returned, and it came back with the whole package, stomach war and all. So, I’ll make this very brief…

I had my first two classes at FUC today!

I had my advanced Castellano and Theories and Aesthetics of Show Biz today. I like both of the classes, alhough the theory and aesthetics class kind of reminds me of a mix between econ and philosophy and it’s slightly hard to follow. Luckily, I took philosophy so I have some background, and econ…I just have to deal.

I was actually debating whether to go to this class or not because it started at 7:45pm and I wasn’t feel good at all, and my hives was at its peak. I was actually halfway down my street toward the subway station when I was about to turn around to go back to puke my brains out and pass out in bed. What stopped me? I saw friend of mine from my program, and I guess just talking to her got me in the spirit to talk to more people, so I decided to go to class. I’m glad.

For my Castellano class, we got four different books, one fiction novel, one non-fiction novel, a play, and a book of essays. They’re ours to keep! Yay! [I actually have a whole library to take back home…seriously].

The people at FUC are really chill. I like it a lot. I was really worried, too because up until yesterday, my academic experience here wasn’t too appealing to me. Oh, but I found out today, that I don’t have to take a class outside of FUC. Therefore, I’ve changed my schedule so that all of my classes are at FUC, meaning I get to take all of my classes concentrated on film.

WIN.

I was so happy when I heard that. Finally, I’m realizing my purpose for being here. I just need to keep it up. Definitely, the challenge is to maintain this momentum and just keep reaching higher and higher. [Just wait, I’ll be in a slump tomorrow…] But, I’ll definitely do everything I can to re-determine my determinations.

Citius, Altius, Fortius. // Swifter, Higher, Stronger.

This is a Latin phrase used in the Olympics. It shouldn’t just be used for an event that happens every 2-4 years. It’s everyday. Everyday, we should grow swifter than yesterday [to rush to the battlefield of kosen-rufu]. Everyday, we should reach higher than yesterday [to make the impossible possible]. Everyday, we should become stronger than yesterday [to encourage others to do the same]. I was reading wikipedia and found this:

“The most important thing in the Olympic Games is not to win but to take part, just as the most important thing in life is not the triumph but the struggle. The essential thing is not to have conquered but to have fought well.”

It’s so true.

///

Yay. I’m up-to-date now.

Day 29: Reality Set into Motion

Another 12-14 hour bus ride. We didn’t have blankets this time…so when I woke up, I was FREEZING. I almost wished I had plastic bags on my feet again. Okay, so I realized I forgot an interesting story to tell from the Mendoza trip.

My feet go so wet during the one day it was raining. I had to change my socks twice. Erika told me to wear plastic bags on me feet, cuz it’ll keep them dry and warm. Low and behold, they were. But, we both had 2 pairs of socks to dry, and for the day we had them sitting on the side table, but we didn’t want to wake up to turn off our alarm clocks, only to touch semi-wet, smelly socks, so we thought of every possible way to hang dry them, including putting them on the curtain pole, the hooks on my side of the wall, and on the bed posts. Eventually, we put a couple on the closet pole, and I lodged the random stick in the closet to create another pole and put the other two there.

That kept us highly entertained…for a really long time…

Anyway. It was cold when we woke up. They told us to get up because we had stopped at the same café we stopped at the first night, for breakfast. I’m so glad I got used to drinking coffee again at Soka, cuz that’s all it is in the morning. Coffee and croissants.

Not that I’m complaining.

It took about another hour before we made it back to the Retiro station. In that time, we were talking about the future. It was…unfathomable.

A lot of things ended up being closed when we arrived, which was to no surprise because it was a holiday. So, we just walked back to the C line subway. While we were waiting for the sub, we heard a dog barking from far away. Turns out this dog was running alongside the train, and you know, we thought nothing of it. We just thought it was dog being stupid, chasing after the conductor alongside the platform.

WRONG.

So, the doors opened, and we walked in to sit down. All of a sudden, the same dog prances in and hops up onto the bench and makes himself comfortable. Erika and I both concluded that we weren’t the only ones who saw this for the first time. Everyone in our train car was staring as the dog just KOed as if it were his home. It was quite…amusing.

Erika and I made plans to go to the Japanese Garden, and then I got off of my station. I walked out and I saw my street. Ahh…sweet, sweet Buenos Aires. How I missed thee…

I didn’t miss the pollution though. XP

As I was walking back to the apartment, for some reason, I recalled a conversation I had with one of the guys in my film track about making a movie here in Buenos Aires. The guy I was talking to was an actual film major. At the time, I was envious that he was able to study film, even in his undergrad. I was so sure that he would be able to get into a grad school for film, hands down.

But, I came to this realization.

There is a very distinct difference between him and me. The first question he asked me was where are we going to get the funding to make a movie? In the past two years that I’ve done movies at SUA for learning cluster, I did learn that having a budget is very, very useful, BUT what I also learned is that if you have the passion, you can make do with what you have. That’s like the creed of indie film. Because of the low-budget, indie directors have to use a bit of creativity to make the most out of what they have.

This realization made me feel better about not going to undergrad for film. There has to be more value in making a movie than, how much is the budget. I say, if the bare minimum to make one is there, then anything is possible. That’s something I’m pretty damn sure you can’t learn in film school.

“He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.” – Friedrich Nietzsche