It’s recently come to my realization that life’s greatest lessons, no matter how much you’re taught about them or how much you anticipate them, you’ll never know the true meaning of them until you experience them yourselves. The moment you experience something epic, something intrinsically within you clicks.
I spent half of my life being told how I arrogant I was or how big of an ego/pride that hold and I never really realized how just how much I was arrogant/egotistical/overly-proud until I saw what I was doing to myself because of my arrogance. I was closing myself out of this world and waiting out my study abroad till the end so I could go home. Now, 23 days before I leave for home, I’ve never felt so unprepared to leave. It really hit me. And I think I was lucky enough to realize this while I’m still here in Argentina.
However, this is nothing new. I’m just slow to realize things that affect me as such. My mind is always…elsewhere.
I think despite having studied in at a film school this semester, it was too theoretical beyond comprehension. I’m sure I failed one of them already. But, there’s nothing that can stop me from moving toward my goals in life. Of course, I’m upset that my grades didn’t turn out the way I wanted, but I’m not going to let it hinder my path toward my mission in life.
I’ve also realized here just how much music is a part of my life. The absence of being able to just walk into a room with a piano and play has left me incomplete. I thought film would be enough to fulfill my life, but more recently I found myself humming new tunes and writing lyrics. Over this summer I had teetered between movie-making and music composing. I didn’t know which to choose and I had a really hard time deciding which I should devote more time to. But, as Nona had told me through a phone call at 1am in the morning [a true friend], if I enjoy doing both, I should just do both and not worry about it.
This was definitely a reply to all my efforts in my life of literal creativity.
However, a little of that hole filled itself when I presented my movie. It was the first time I was able to show a completed filmic work in front of a people solely for its purpose. It was completely stand alone and didn’t have to compliment a paper or a study. And, it was also in front of my 4 COPA professors that specialize in film critique. It was received pretty positively, I would say, though I have to say I like everyone else’s movie more than mine. For the amount of time it took to put it together, it’s okay, but I know it could be better.
“A creative artist works on his next composition because he was not satisfied with his previous one.” – Dimitri Shotakovich
If I had more time in Buenos Aires, I want to remake it using all the comments that I got to make it better. Oh, how I wish I could just do that.
On a different note, it’s interesting how you can look back and find support from the things you’ve done in the past. As Kuru Kuru Team, we wrote a song for Student Festival earlier this year, and listening to the song and taking in the lyrics made me realize just how much wisdom I had before I came on study abroad, how much I needed to keep aiming higher and making determinations to live each moment of every day. I found it interesting that I was able to find comfort in something I created months before without anticipating that’d I’d look back on it now thinking about it.
I don’t have much more to say after all that, but SMILE. Even the shittiest day can change if you just smile. For some reason, it has the ability to make you feel much better, and it has even a greater capacity to make other’s happy also.
As I’ve said at the start of this entry, life’s greatest lessons don’t click until you truly experience them. Up until that point you can only trust that what people will tell you about their experiences is what it will be when it happens to you. There will be moments when you think you understand, but there will moments after that that’ll get you closer to that understanding. Life itself is a learning process. I thought I had been living a life of creativity, but only in the most literal sense. I only realize now that I’m beginning to live a creative life on the most fundamental level as well.
Damn, last day of November, first final tomorrow. Gya!
“There is no one lonelier or more unhappy than a person who does not know the pure joy of creating a life for himself or herself. To be human is not merely to stand erect and manifest intelligence or knowledge. To be human in the full sense of the word is to lead a creative life.
“The struggle to create new life from within is a truly wonderful thing. There is found the brilliant wisdom that guides and directs the workings of reason; the light of insight that penetrates the farthest reaches of the universe; the undaunted will to see justice done that meets and challenges all the assaults of evil; the spirit of unbounded care that embraces all who suffer. When these are fused with that energy of compassion that pours forth from the deepest sources of cosmic life, an ecstatic rhythm arises to color the lives of all people.” – Buddhism Day by Day, November 24.
End – Week 19: The Final Forefront
Day 129...130: Jaded...
So... the sun is rising soon. Or at least I think it is. You can't really tell with all the buildings, but it's a fact that it's getting lighter out, and there's already trucks driving around. Que ruidoso.
I'm still attempting to finish my LAST essay of my study abroad experience. Unfortunately, it's supposed to be 10 pages, and I only have 4...well technically 3. What is wrong with me, seriously. Oh, did I mention that it's "technically" due in 4 hours.
Aha. Ha. Ha. Ha.
No, seriously, I'm laughing. This week so far, I've only slept, at most, 7 hours. I'm tired, but I'm almost there. This week was pretty tough:
- 1 report on Operacion Masacre
- 1 4-page essay
- 1 10-page essay (still finishing it up)
- 2 midterm retakes (1 more today)
- 1 short film
It's worse than in the states, SERIOUSLY. I thought it was bad that teachers had homework due on the same day. I can't ever imagine going through something like this again, where all my "finals" are due the same week. I've never been so tired. The fact that everyday is in the high 80s/low 90s doesn't help much either. It's really a pain to be walking around outside in my own skin, because it's just so humid and hot. But, despite being tired and unmotivated to do work, I've never been so productive for a long period of time.
I think the key thing is to get out of the room and study elsewhere.
Anyway, final day before oral exams! Premiere of my short film, which I will try to post as soon as I get the chance, midterm retake #2, and... long-ass essay due that I still need references for.
Yeah. I should... go back to writing that paper.
P.S. I miss being able to walk over next door and asking for food [suffering from all-nighter munchies].
I'm still attempting to finish my LAST essay of my study abroad experience. Unfortunately, it's supposed to be 10 pages, and I only have 4...well technically 3. What is wrong with me, seriously. Oh, did I mention that it's "technically" due in 4 hours.
Aha. Ha. Ha. Ha.
No, seriously, I'm laughing. This week so far, I've only slept, at most, 7 hours. I'm tired, but I'm almost there. This week was pretty tough:
- 1 report on Operacion Masacre
- 1 4-page essay
- 1 10-page essay (still finishing it up)
- 2 midterm retakes (1 more today)
- 1 short film
It's worse than in the states, SERIOUSLY. I thought it was bad that teachers had homework due on the same day. I can't ever imagine going through something like this again, where all my "finals" are due the same week. I've never been so tired. The fact that everyday is in the high 80s/low 90s doesn't help much either. It's really a pain to be walking around outside in my own skin, because it's just so humid and hot. But, despite being tired and unmotivated to do work, I've never been so productive for a long period of time.
I think the key thing is to get out of the room and study elsewhere.
Anyway, final day before oral exams! Premiere of my short film, which I will try to post as soon as I get the chance, midterm retake #2, and... long-ass essay due that I still need references for.
Yeah. I should... go back to writing that paper.
P.S. I miss being able to walk over next door and asking for food [suffering from all-nighter munchies].
Day 124: It’s Easy to Shut Yourself from the World…
The greatest obstacle, devilish function, challenge has fallen upon me this week. I want to start by saying that the system here in Argentina isn’t something to really gloat about. Before this week, I didn’t realize how I was doing in any of my classes, save my lit class which had its midterm way in October. I received both my grades for both of my other parciales for my other 2 classes.
2s. The system here works on a 1-10 scale, 10 being the highest. In other words, I’m failing two classes. My heart sank. I lost all will to stand, suddenly felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I felt alienated. Two tests I thought I had done well on and these were the end results. I had studied tirelessly for one, and even studied with a group for other.
Fucking 2s. It was like getting hit by a truck twice, only because I found out my grades on two separate days.
Is this what my study abroad here has come down to? Failing grades? To add salt to the wound, for one of my classes, my friends [also exchange students] passed. I didn’t want to see them. I didn’t have the courage to face them…rather…anybody. I was ashamed. So I left.
You know the moments in movies when some poor guy gets dumped or something and he goes into this trance while stumbling along the street side, humming some unrecognizable song in the rain. That’s what it felt like. I finally understood what it’s like to feel so low.
Usually, I find myself drowning myself in music with English or Japanese lyrics whenever I’m stressed about anything. But, recently I lent my friend my USB cable to charge my iPod, so I drained it well before I got these grades back.
It’s so easy to shut yourself out from the world. You just put ear buds in your ears and let pieces of home heal your heart.
When I needed this the most, I didn’t have it. The world completely crashed on me and there was nowhere for me to escape. I was so stuck in a world I didn’t want to be in, I began to shut the world out completely. I didn’t care what happened to me. My legs just took me where they wanted me to and the breath in lungs slowly escaped my throat, creating a song that even I didn’t know. The Castellano around me never reached me. It was as in an instant my ability to speak and understand Castellano disappeared. I wanted to stand in the middle of traffic and just let it all go. Because I felt that I had nothing to cling to.
Normally, I wouldn’t freak about bad grades, but just in the context of how I’m able to study abroad in the Butler program because I fought to get in, made me feel horrible. “It’ll be too difficult for you…” “You’re not proficient enough…” Those words just kept repeating and repeating in my head over the course of those days. I fell deeper and deeper into those words. I could just imagine the “I told you so” the moment I stepped back on campus. What was my purpose for being here? Why did I come? Every reason I had come here for completely left my mind.
I really didn’t know how I would get myself out of this episode.
But I think one thing for sure [and I truly realize this now] is that I’m so protected. Both of these days I was able to confide in friends who’ve helped me get out of this. And my dad called me out of the blue, which, just hearing his voice made me feel much better. I talked to my mom about it also, and I’m just so appreciative to have parents that support me with this situation.
I’m still in that trance and I think I still have some block in my mind, although I’m slowly getting out of it. I’m able to at least retake these exams this coming week so I need to prep up for that and then prepare for the finals that come after. There’s no time for me to waste. It’s either I fail not trying, or I try to pass with my all.
Within my last 31 days here, I have two re-takes, one 4-page essay, one book report, one 10-page essay, a presentation on feminism, a short film, and 3 oral presentations to write and prepare. My heart wants to go home, so bad. But, I’m almost there. Just a few bumps to get over.
All I can do now is chant, renew my determinations, work and study all that I can. These obstacles are coming to me now for a reason, and surely if I overcome them, some good will come. I’m setting aside any setbacks for now, but surely some repercussions will come later. But, right now, I just need to focus on the “now”. The causes I’m making today for my tomorrows…
Thanks for the support.
2s. The system here works on a 1-10 scale, 10 being the highest. In other words, I’m failing two classes. My heart sank. I lost all will to stand, suddenly felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I felt alienated. Two tests I thought I had done well on and these were the end results. I had studied tirelessly for one, and even studied with a group for other.
Fucking 2s. It was like getting hit by a truck twice, only because I found out my grades on two separate days.
Is this what my study abroad here has come down to? Failing grades? To add salt to the wound, for one of my classes, my friends [also exchange students] passed. I didn’t want to see them. I didn’t have the courage to face them…rather…anybody. I was ashamed. So I left.
You know the moments in movies when some poor guy gets dumped or something and he goes into this trance while stumbling along the street side, humming some unrecognizable song in the rain. That’s what it felt like. I finally understood what it’s like to feel so low.
Usually, I find myself drowning myself in music with English or Japanese lyrics whenever I’m stressed about anything. But, recently I lent my friend my USB cable to charge my iPod, so I drained it well before I got these grades back.
It’s so easy to shut yourself out from the world. You just put ear buds in your ears and let pieces of home heal your heart.
When I needed this the most, I didn’t have it. The world completely crashed on me and there was nowhere for me to escape. I was so stuck in a world I didn’t want to be in, I began to shut the world out completely. I didn’t care what happened to me. My legs just took me where they wanted me to and the breath in lungs slowly escaped my throat, creating a song that even I didn’t know. The Castellano around me never reached me. It was as in an instant my ability to speak and understand Castellano disappeared. I wanted to stand in the middle of traffic and just let it all go. Because I felt that I had nothing to cling to.
Normally, I wouldn’t freak about bad grades, but just in the context of how I’m able to study abroad in the Butler program because I fought to get in, made me feel horrible. “It’ll be too difficult for you…” “You’re not proficient enough…” Those words just kept repeating and repeating in my head over the course of those days. I fell deeper and deeper into those words. I could just imagine the “I told you so” the moment I stepped back on campus. What was my purpose for being here? Why did I come? Every reason I had come here for completely left my mind.
I really didn’t know how I would get myself out of this episode.
But I think one thing for sure [and I truly realize this now] is that I’m so protected. Both of these days I was able to confide in friends who’ve helped me get out of this. And my dad called me out of the blue, which, just hearing his voice made me feel much better. I talked to my mom about it also, and I’m just so appreciative to have parents that support me with this situation.
I’m still in that trance and I think I still have some block in my mind, although I’m slowly getting out of it. I’m able to at least retake these exams this coming week so I need to prep up for that and then prepare for the finals that come after. There’s no time for me to waste. It’s either I fail not trying, or I try to pass with my all.
Within my last 31 days here, I have two re-takes, one 4-page essay, one book report, one 10-page essay, a presentation on feminism, a short film, and 3 oral presentations to write and prepare. My heart wants to go home, so bad. But, I’m almost there. Just a few bumps to get over.
All I can do now is chant, renew my determinations, work and study all that I can. These obstacles are coming to me now for a reason, and surely if I overcome them, some good will come. I’m setting aside any setbacks for now, but surely some repercussions will come later. But, right now, I just need to focus on the “now”. The causes I’m making today for my tomorrows…
Thanks for the support.
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