Day 11: Philosophically Out-There a.k.a. Zoned Out

It might’ve been the fact that I was able to sleep in for another hour, but I felt genuinely refreshed this morning. I don’t think I slept so well since coming here until last night. Anyway, I was up and talking to the house maid, people on the streets and to everyone in my program. It was almost scary. I think in the midst of me being slightly too weird to my liking, I realized all the opportunities I had been missing out on, the things I’ve taken for granted in the States, stuff like simply saying “hi” to strangers, having a simple conversation to see how a person is doing, being able to walk in anywhere and know you won’t be so easily misunderstood. Stuff like that.

I feel like I’m in this weird transition, that’s much different from how I feel in the summer. It’s not the sort of physical transition like, oh sophomore year is ending and junior year is starting now. No. It’s much deeper than that. I’ve written about being alone in the past, I’ve even been in the process of making a movie about it, but it never occurred to me that right now, I’m physically alone with no one near me who knows me for who I am for miles. In my script there’s this one passage that goes like this:

“I got stuck in routine, shackled, where time neither moves backwards nor forwards. It stands still. Haunting, isn't it? Unable to do anything while watching the world passes you by. Exactly. But, it was here that I had this sudden epiphany. […] Life is just beginning for me, and yet, I had wasted nearly 3 months reminiscing the past, waiting for the next thing in life, when, really, life was waiting for me to take my next step.”

I’ve stopped playing tag with my past and wanting things to go back to the way things were. I’ve left them the way they were and took that step. It’s interesting how I wrote this script, and yet I speak about it as if I finally understand the meaning of it for the first time. But, I’m beginning to wonder where this step is going to take me. I guess all I can do now is really have confidence in where I’m stepping and WIN.

Aside from that today’s just one of those days that just passes you by. Orientation was back-to-back today. Really hectic. I had orientation with USAL at the usual place, then information about volunteer work on the second floor, and then I had to catch the sub to go to UTDT for their orientation and then catch the bus to be back in time to take the Spanish exam for UBA – Ciencias Sociales. I’m so tired, and I’ve been around sick people all day, which in turn is getting me sick. My throat is sooooooooooooo sore. It’s insane.

I think that’s the one downfall of public transportation. It’s like a breeding ground for sicknesses to spread. Both the subways and the buses were packed. There’s no doubt that’s how I’m beginning to feel a little off. It’s okay though. It won’t affect me too much. I just need to be careful.

Ugh, I have to register for my one UTDT class in the morning tomorrow. But, after that I get to go to Rural with a few people, which is festival kind of thing where all these farm animals are there and they have food and all sorts of stuff. Maybe I can buy a scarf there or if not, the day after at the feria nearby before I go see Erika. Oi, I need coins.

One thing I did notice here is that many stores don’t have change/coins. It’s insane. And they only accept change on all public transportation. Must look for them. But, not now…since I’m out there. Happy end of July. Oh.

I think my mind is no longer with us. Damn meds.

…

“What is the secret to victory? Mr. Toda once described that in a certain sense life is a gamble. ‘If you are lucky, you will win,’ he said, ‘but if you are unlucky, then sometimes no matter how hard you try you lose. This is a hard fact.’ That is why, in addition to ability, good fortune is essential. The key to creating good fortune is found in faith and daimoku. I hope that you will all act in accord with the fundamental Law of Buddhism and lead victorious lives filled with unsurpassed good fortune.” – Daily Encouragement by Daisaku Ikeda, Thursday July 31, 2008

Day 10: I

I had an interesting late morning. After Castellano, my friend and I wanted to grab a pre-lunch snack so we stopped by Café A. We met up with couple of other people, who just happened to be in the film track and sat down. I ordered café con leche con medialunas [croissants]. I spent my time there discussing courses and whatnot, drinking my cup of strong coffee, followed by what I thought was a soft drink, but turned out to be a nice thing of tonic gin.

I had downed nearly all of what was in the cup they poured me until I read the bottle they left me with the rest of drink. “Bebida con alcohol.” It tasted like Sprite. So, I was like, wtf and didn’t have anymore. I sat there talking with my friends until they had to leave for a meeting, so I got up and walked home to take a nap, because I was getting tired. I felt relaxed… I never realized how tense I am till today. It’s quite weird. Hahah. I guess sleepy and relaxed is all I get when I drink?

Anyway, point is ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it’s muy importante to understand what people say and what you read. Mmhmm. Ahh, but that was my WTF of the day. Well, it was a nice pre-lunch get-together. I learned much more about the people I call friends, which is a plus. It’s easier to understand people, where they’re coming from, when you know about their background, their tendencies, their hobbies, and stuff like that. It was nice.

Outside of that, I met with my tutor/academic advisor/Castellano en cine professor/COPA program director to talk about what courses I want to take. He mentioned something very interesting about Soka students. He says it’s very interesting to see all these different types of people, who come into the program, but people from Soka are always nice and friendly. T~T That’s an expectation to live up to.

So, turns out I WILL be taking the placement exam for Universidad de Buenos Aires, just for the hell of it. There’s no oral part, so I think I have some chance. It’d also be fun to see where I stand in Spanish at this point…since comparing myself with other people can be slightly misleading. The class I’m possibly looking to take there [yes, there’s just one] is Cultura para la Paz y los Derechos Humanos / Culture for Peace and Human Rights. Patricio [my advisor/everything else] told me that it’s a competitive class to get into because it serves kind of like an intro course for one of the concentrations there. We’ll see. I think if I’m able to take that course, I can concentrate my movies based on those themes.

Afterwards, I went to Patio Bullrich, a mall that’s a few blocks from where I’m staying. My host mom recommended it to me, especially a couple of stores that she was sure I would like, named Akiabara and Jazmin Chebar. It’s really nice…and expensive. I went there to buy some jeans/pants/warm clothes/scarves, but I couldn’t find anything under $A150. It was insane, so slipped into the book store instead and bought two books about Argentine film [since Argentine, and probably most other Latin-American films are socially or politically geared] to prepare myself for theoretical, critical film courses I’ll be taking. I could use them for my Capstone, too, when the time comes, of course.

I went out with a different group people today to a benefit gig for a save the kids kind of thing. They had Argentine folk music, which was sooooo good. Amazing. The violin. The guitar. The accordion. The percussion. Everything was running through my veins. It was really fun and I realized how much I need music in my life. I miss playing up on the stage and just having a great time. A lot of the COPA people ended up gathering there. A separate group from COPA from others came and they sat across from, and then the owner of the place, who was like 50, and the rest of his people just started talking to them the entire time. We kind of felt sorry for them.

Then towards the end of the awesome performances, he came over to our table and started pointing at us and trying to guess our horoscope signs. He had a hard time with mine. It was kind of weird to have a finger waving at me with a defined thinking face in front of me with nowhere to go. Apparently, he keeps a collection of emails of all the girls that’s come to his restaurant. We didn’t give him ours…of course. I’m so glad I’m used to the whole argentine kiss custom now, because I’m sure I would’ve been slightly petrified if I hadn’t, when he gave me a kiss on the cheek while trying to leave.

It was fun though for all of us, I’m sure I can vouch. We were all laughing, drinking, some of us slightly drunk, and just having an awesome time. This is what I was missing out on. Just a night out and hanging, chilling, even with people I only know by face. I met more people in my program, and a couple of people who don’t care much for clubs and drinking as I do, but enjoy lounging at a bar listening to really good live music. Hopefully, we can find some places to hang out at over the semester.

I realized I can’t go pretending I can make it on my own. I have to begin thinking that the people in my program are no different than my classmates back at Soka. I have to think of them as my classmates for one semester, which I will grow, fight, and overcome struggles with through this study abroad experience. For one semester, I have to separate myself from the 2010 dynasty of Soka and create a different experience that only I can experience, especially because I’m the only one from Soka in the Butler Buenos Aires program.

Tonight, I live.

Day 9: Konnection. Yes. With a “K”

So, one of the highlights of my day was that I went to visit Fundacion Universidad del Cine, the place where I will be taking the majority of my classes. We went as the film track (8 of us, plus Clara the coordinator) and we got to meet the director of the university and got a tour of the technical building where all the sets and post-production stuff were. I’d never been into an actual film school, so it was awesome to see things in real life.

The school itself has its on café and private screening room that seats about 50 people. It’s awesome. When I heard that the library in the university will be open to us, I was thrilled. I think I’ll do some “pre-Capstone” research to pinpoint what I want to concentrate my Capstone on, in relation to the film industry and Soka education.

The longer I stayed at the university, the more I didn’t care about getting a reply from Mary. I just found a paper that said “the SA Committee advises students to select courses that reflect the ability of students’ target language, their interests, the educational goals of the university unique to each site and SUA’s academic requirements.” So, what I’m assuming is as long as I have a legit final product in the Spanish language I can take those classes. And, I know I’ll have a paper and an oral exam. Yay.

Aside from that, our film group went out for lunch a few blocks from the university. It was fun. I got to meet more new people and get acquainted with them. This group of people was especially important because I would be going to the same university as them, as COPA Butler students. It’s crazy how so many people have such specific majors like linguistics, film, and English lit.

I’m just floating about here as a liberal arts major, concentrating in the humanities.

…uh, so what does that mean again?

Yeah. But, I was able to spread more Soka love. It’s amazing to encounter people who share the same missions as Soka, outside of Soka because up until this point I had never met anyone who shared the same ideals as me and SUA. I’m glad though. We have the backing of each other to create a better world.

I also didn’t feel so bad when I heard that the people I was having lunch with [because we split into 2 tables] haven’t gone out much, or even at all. I thought I was probably the only one who hadn’t gone out drinking and hanging out at the boliches yet.

I had yet to experience my youth in Buenos Aires.

But apparently, I have company in my boat. Maybe this weekend, though. One of my friends, who’s been introducing me to so many people, and I are going to find a Peruvian food to satisfy our spicy food craving, because as of yet, I haven’t had any spicy food. And I’m dying for some.

I’m starting to get into the swing of things, I feel. My speaking-on-the-spot-without-notes ability still sucks, but I’m able to comprehend much more than before. I was talking to Mario, the director of the program. He wants me to give all the COPA alumni from Soka “un gran beso” and a shout-out to Alex Okuda, too.

I started reading the newspaper today as part of Castellano orientation pt.4 and I was given La Nacion, one of the hardest newspapers to read, and I was able to get the gist of a political article that I had no background context on. Yay! I think I’ll start buying Pagina 12 tomorrow as a start to keep myself informed. It’s definitely training for when I go back to Soka, because all I had was the internet, and I hardly kept myself aware of what was going on around the world.

I knew in the back of my head that it’s my responsibility to keep myself informed, but I lacked action toward it. Don’t we all at times? But, I think now, I can start getting the newspaper, maybe not daily [cuz I won’t be able to afford it later] but maybe 2-3 times a week? If worst comes to worst, I’ll just sit in a café and wait till someone just leaves it sitting on the table. Hahah, right?

After orientation and stuff, I went back to my room, and started watching an animated movie called “Kappa no Coo to Natsuyasumi.” It’s good. Really touching and has many different facets that I liked. The story itself, though linear, had multiple issues, such as the growth of humanity, human behavior, and so on. I like it and it’s definitely something I’ll watch over and over while I’m here. It’s the only Japanese movie I have. I miss hearing Japanese, though in the situation I’m in, it may be slightly detrimental. I miss the food. I miss the people. But it’s okay. It’ll be 1000 times more refreshing when I go back in December.

So, after I watched that, a couple of the girls in my group and I met in a café to work on our presentation/exhibition of pictures for tomorrow. We talked about many things and it’s amazing how like-minded a lot of us are. We all packed the minimum and regret it, left our favorite things at home, felt reluctant to buy things because we know we have the things we want at home, started a blog for family and friends, and felt that everything we wrote is cheesy or overly poetic.

I made a Konnection.

You know, Kusho.Konnection.Studio was just a silly name that I put together, with the help of friend back in my sophomore year of high school. And then, right before college, it became an idealistic concept: one person, aspiring to express herself in a life of creativity, to make a deep and lasting connection with everyone she meets, and to inspire them to do the same.

I don’t know if I’m inspiring, but now, when I think about it, it’s crazy how many people from around the U.S. and around the world I have met and still talk to since that humid spring day of my sophomore year in high school. There are still many, many, many more people to meet, but it’s still so surreal how far I’ve come from just from a name that just popped out of nowhere.

Konnected and still konnecting.

Day 8: “On Rainy Days Like This Both the Past and Future Dissolve Quietly Into the Air and Hover There”

Since I’ve been here, I didn’t particularly have any plans outside of what was given to me in a thick spiral-bound orientation booklet, and last week, that bothered me. But, for some reason today, I felt okay not having plans, and it just so happened that I actually had a couple things to do today. As long as I have something to do I don’t have to feel so clueless as to what to do in a city that I’m not very familiar with. Yea, so I had a Castellano this morning. I think it was the hardest morning to wake up to. I dunno. Maybe it was because it’s Monday. Maybe Mondays are just meant to be that way.

Well anyway, we learned slang. It was cool. We had to write a short story using those words. It was fun. XD It’s interesting how some words come to be. I will never understand the reasoning behind them.

After that, I stepped outside to find it drizzling. The city was a misty blur, and vents on top of the buildings billowed with steam. The cold droplets of humidity clung to my jacket, my hair, my bag, todo. Only moments of standing outside and my bag felt like a fridge. I didn’t feel as cold when I had to run for my life crossing one of the streets. So, I dunno about the street lights in the cities in the U.S. but here, they turn yellow before they turn green also, so I just happened to be crossing when it was yellow, to turn green. Wow. I was really scared half to death. Yay, for kendo feet. Hahaha. Pedestrians DON’T have the right of way here. Yea, it sucks.

So, I got back to the apartment, dropped my stuff off and carried my bag of dirty clothes over block and a half. They do everything for you! It’s insane. All you have to do is leave it with them and tell them when you want them done by, pay, and go. Interesting system. But, expensive also. One basket is $A 14. I had two. Unfortunately, this is the only way I can wash my clothes. Woo.

I walked back, and the doorman opened the door for me. I really feel bad sometimes when I’m going in and out, because the doorman always opens the front entrance for me, right when I’m about to put my key in. Anyway, turns out, in the 5 minutes I was gone, the elevator was being checked for maintenance so I had to climb the stairs to the 9th floor. I’m really out of shape, regardless of how much I walk everyday. I think I’ll use the stairs more often, just to keep myself fit.

Starting this week, checking my email is crucial. I’m still awaiting a reply from Mary about whether I can take the film track and get transferable credits for SUA. I’m getting kind of antsy not getting a reply from her, because registration for regular university classes starts this Friday. If I get a reply after Friday saying I can’t take the track, I would already miss one chance to register for classes. It’s really frustrating.

Well, the worst that could happen is I have to take Spanish when I come back from study abroad, and even though that’s a waste of credits that could be used for something else I WANT to take. Can’t do much when the higher-ups aren’t available to approve the classes you want to take. Annoying. Just annoying.

ANYWAY. I sat in the park and read the book I bought a few nights ago. The quote I used for the title of this entry is actually a quote from the English version of this book. I don’t quite understand it, but for some reason, I feel the atmosphere of the book. It’s very nostalgic. And this nostalgic feeling just left me thinking about my times at SUA, when I would just sit down on my bed, leaning against the cold concrete wall, cuddled under a blanket and reading book while the window next to me blew a calm breeze.

Today was just one of those days, it makes you feel kind of empty, kind of sad, but at the same time, it makes you feel warm inside. It’s one of those, in-between days where you’re just stuck in the present, unable to go back or forward. Everything comes to you, what the future holds, what the past brought, everything. Today was just today, like a snap of a finger. Nothing before. Nothing after. No past to think about. No future to worry about. Only now.

Day 7: Blue Sunday Mornings

I slept in today till about 10 or so, and then I was lying in bed half asleep, half deep in thought till 11am. It’s been a long week and it feels like it’s been ages since I was last able to sleep in, and the wake up half-asleep and just stare into the blankness of my ceiling. I was lost in thought. You ever have those moments? I do. Always. And I never remember them. What I do remember is waking up to “Blue” by Eiffel 65 and thinking, have you ever stopped to think about the lyrics in the songs you listen to every day?

“Yo listen up / Here’s a story about a little guy / That lives in the blue world / And all day and all night and every thing he sees / Is just blue like him / Inside and outside / Blue his house / With a blue little window / And a blue corvette / And everything is blue for him / And himself and everybody around / Cuz he ain’t got nobody to listen to / Blue are the words I say and what I think / Blue are the feelings that live inside me.” – “Blue” by Eiffel65

The message I make out of this song intrigues me. The song almost reflects this little blue guy who’s able to affect his environment because how he feels on the inside. Maybe I’m over-analyzing this whole song. But, when I heard this song, I felt somewhat energized. We can change the world around us…even if it’s to make it…blue. XD

Anyway. I miss having the long side of my bed up against the wall. I miss waking up cuddled against the wall, with the slightly opened window letting in the cool breeze and the warm California sun. But being able to be in a daze in bed for an hour, helped me recover from all these happy memories, helped me to not get sucked in them too deeply. I haven’t completely lost myself this past overwhelming tsunami of Castellano and Argentine culture.

So this is how I started my last day of week 1. Lazy Sunday. You know the song “Sunday Morning Call” by Oasis? It would completely describe how I feel about this past week: slightly out of place, but still okay. I’ve decided that my Sundays for the next 21 coming Sundays will be day of recuperation, reflection, and re-determination. Oh, and also, days to commit for SGI [Erika went to the kaikan today, and apparently they’re having an exhibition next weekend].

I’m completely over-analyzing my situation here in Buenos Aires. I met up with a couple of people for a homework assignment in our Castellano orientation and met Argentine college students, both studying abroad like me and locals. I was asked this: why Buenos Aires. The first answer that I thought was obvious was for studies. So, clearly, I came here solely for the film track, even with the possible 50% chance that I might not be able to take it because the credits may not be transferable.

But, that didn’t stop me.

It made me wonder, though. Outside of studies, what was my reason being here. Up until this past year as a sophomore, studies came secondary to everything else I did. Have I learned to be more conscious about my academics? But, still, I’m in a completely different country, and all I could answer was to study. Hypothetically, I could study film anywhere, and I just found the open opportunity here. I think it’s time for me to explore Argentina, to whole new level, as a porteña.

I almost had a good dialogue with a Brazilian who’s studying at UCA, but my inability to fully communicate orally completely drained it. We were first talking about the differences between cultures and how they’re perceived from outsiders. And then, pinpointed Japan and the U.S. in particular and asked me why she sees so many people of the Asian race only marry within their race, even when they live in a place like the U.S or Argentina. 1) I was completely stumped, and 2) when I tried to describe the cultural difference between the U.S. and Japan, she couldn’t understand.

But, it’s okay. I’m happy I understood what she said.

We were all sitting in one of the park lawns of the ferría I went to yesterday. I just love it there. I think that’ll be a place I go to every weekend to just chill and talk, while walking around the vendors’ stands, browsing around.

Anyway, we were there in the first place to take 10 pictures for our “scavenger hunt.” I think I took some good shots, some maybe questionable. It’s much easier to take pictures when you have sources that’ll work with you, the way you want it to. It was fun, even though it was FREEZING out. I think it hit about high 30s ish. I may be exaggerating, but it was so cold, I couldn’t feel my fingers or the camcorder in my hands.

Yea.

Week 2 is starting… wow, already a week has past. I’ll step it up. Reach out to more people. Connect. Go out to some café and just lounge around. While talking to my mom [I called her today], I realized, I’m in a city that doesn’t sleep. I need to take advantage of that. When in Argentina, do as the Argentines do.

“And in your head do you feel / What you’re not supposed to feel / And you take what you want / But you won’t get hope for free / You need more time / Because your thoughts and words won’t last forever more / And I’m not sure if it’ll ever work out, right? / But it’s okay, it’s alright.” – “Sunday Morning Calls” by Oasis

End - Week 1: Settling In

Day 6: Morning With the Dead

Despite going to bed at 5:00 this morning, I woke up before my alarm clock. I love how I can still do that. It’s very convenient. So, I showered…in HOT water [YAY] and got ready to go meet Erika at the cemetery a few blocks from where I live. When I got there, I didn’t know where the entrance was, so I walked around the area for a good 5-10 minutes, looking, when I found a small opened door that showed parts of the cemetery. I “snuck in” and started looking around. I was followed by two cats for a while. They looked really scary. I think cats all over the world look different, just like people do. It’s interesting. Aww… I miss mis gatos.

Anyway, I sat in the center area where we were supposed to meet. It’s crazy some of the graves that were in there… Well, all of them were pretty crazy, all grandiose with statues and glass windows and stuff. Crazy [I’ll post pics later when I have a good internet connection]. I really like it there. It’s the one place that I didn’t hear too much city noise [for example, in my room, on the 9th floor of the building, you can hear every thing from the streets as if there’s no wall]. I think I’ll study there…if it’s allowed.

So, what did Erika and I do? We walked around a flea market thing that’s apparently held every weekend just right next to the cemetery. It was really cool. I bought…more than I had wanted, but I’m glad [got some of my souvenir shopping done and early too]. I was able to small talk with the vendors. They were all really nice. It reminded me of home, when my family and I went downtown to Centennial Park to look around at the street-side fair.

Something that profoundly hit me today was the amount of stray dogs and cat that just run around the city, and they aren’t diseased or anything either. They’re all healthy cats and dogs. In Buenos Aires, you have to watch where you step because dogs, both stray and owned, do their business where you step. The owners usually clean up after their dog, but still, there’s an unbelievable amount of crap to watch out for. Up until today, I thought owners were being irresponsible, but after going to the open market, there are a shitload of dogs.

Anyway, Erika and I ate and went to Alto Palermo where we walked around in the shopping mall. All the brand names were there. It was trippy…and hella expensive. Did you know they sell Quiksilver: Buenos Aires shirts? It was amusing to see. Oh, Barney was there, too. That was also amusing.

Afterwards, we were kind of clueless as to what to do, so we took out our Guía T, and found a park nearby. When we found it, it was amazing. I wished Aliso Viejo had one. It was so lively. I think it could even be as close to something that you see in the movies. There were kids running around playing, couples walking around and talking, street performers drumming, people feeding the pigeons, women sitting around in circles dialoguing. It was really cool.

After strolling around, we sat down and pulled out our maps. We were looking for the kaikan location on the map. XD We might go next week. I’m excited. On a different note, we [Erika, Kelsey, and I] will plan something good to send to Fran for the Buenos Aires board. Heheheh.

I think with every day that passes, I miss home just a little bit more. The other day, I saw a wii at Musimundo and I had a flashback of last month, where my life for a couple of weeks revolved around nothing but a wii. Aaaa, it’s intense, but it’s okay. I think meeting up with Erika helped me get out of the slump. I was able to connect in ways that I just can’t yet in Spanish.

We saw each other off, standing on opposite ends of the subway platforms, and then I was literally squeezed into subte car. I’d imagine that’s how a sardine would feel like if it were alive when it’s being stuffed in a can. It was definitely an interesting experience to be standing up against someone you don’t know and literally close enough you can feel their breath. Ahahah, I felt like such a country valley girl, who knows NOTHING about the cit-ay. XD


But I have to admit, life is getting slightly easier. Ever so slightly. It’s just a matter of maintaining this momentum and keeping the positivity flowing. …I’m so dead tired right now.

PS, [heard this from Erika] the Fall 2008 SA board is posted on Angel in the Study Abroad & International Internships group.

Day 5: Cruella de Vile. And the First Night Out

Today was really long… and I JUST got back. It’s 4:42am and I need to wake up in 5 hours to meet up with Erika. W00t w00t. So first, sobre mi titulo. I was walking around looking for a Kodak shop to take my visa pictures and I’m waiting at the crosswalk for light walk signal to go off, when I see a lady with white and black hair EXACTLY like Cruella de Vile from 101 Dalmatians standing in front of a handbag store. Trust me, it surprised me so much… I was staring and missed my chance to cross the street. -__-;;

Second, for the first time since I’ve gotten here, every place I went to today has an Asian employee. I finally totally don’t LOOK LIKE A TOURIST! Quite fun, indeed. I’m slowly integrating myself with the city. I’m having fun, losing myself in the streets and somehow getting back to the meeting area on time.

I got assigned homework for my Spanish Castallano orientation AND Argentine history orientation. I like the Castallano one. I get to walk around with my 2 compañeras and do a scavenger hunt of the city with a camera. It’s gonna be awesome. I think I’m excited because I get to see the smaller details of the city, and not just look at the city as a whole. The Argentine history on the other hand, XP. That’s all I have to say.

The second meeting I had today was about how the academic system works here. Today, they only concentrated on the courses offered at the university I will NOT apply for, but it’s interesting to see how a public university works here. First off, public universities are free for Argentines. Second off, some courses don’t have final exams. There are three types of final exams: a mandatory oral exam, a 12-15 page paper [with little personal opinion], or no final [if the tests you took are higher than the average]. It’s interesting. I can’t wait to see how the other universities work, since all the others are private.

I realized today that “normal, non-Soka” students are very aware of the world around them. I was talking to one of the girls I was grouped with for the scavenger hunt, and she was talking about how she feels so lost because she didn’t buy the morning paper today and didn’t check CNN before she left. I need to get out of my bubble and start enlightening myself also.

One thing I thought I would never really take advantage of was the nightlife here. It’s been said that people stay up till 5am and wake up regularly at 7-8am. Well, I didn’t do so much as drinking [legal is 18 here], but my friend and I walked around a bit, waiting to meet up with her friend who had actually been studying here for a year. He recommended us this great Argentine ice cream place. OMG. It’s heaven. Dulce de Leche. Mmm, yum.

Oh so the reason we were out in the first place [at 11pm] was we were going to go see Batman: The Dark Knight subtitled. I preferred the Castallano dub, but I heard it loses the movie touch. But we had to wait 2 hours till the next showing, so we walked around, listened to some latino music, and almost got run over by a car…you know, stuff you do when you’re out at night.

We ended up going back to the theater and walked into the bookstore’s café. I had a nice dialogue, IN SPANISH, about university life. It was nice and nostalgic. T~T reminded me of Soka. I also bought a book called, Tsugumi, by Banana Yoshimoto. I’ve been looking for books by her since forever because she’s up there with Haruki Murakami in terms of contemporary Japanese novels, but American bookstores have limited things, so I’ve realized. Hopefully, I’ll be able to engross myself in this over the next few months.

Did you know that movie theaters assign you seats like an actual theater? I was impressed. And the seats are SOOOO comfortable. I could’ve fallen asleep. Anyway, I’m not much of a Batman fan, but the movie was intense and definitely one of Heath Ledger’s best performances. Mm… I think that’s all I have to say about that. You have to see it to actually know what I mean.

Aside from that… yea. A very matter-of-fact entry, nothing profound. It was just that kind of day. So yea. It’s late and I need to sleep. I get to see Erika tomorrow! Yay.

Btw, did I mention that I need to carry my bag of laundry 11/2 blocks from where I live to get it washed and dried?

Day 4: NO Language Barrier is Gonna Stop Me From Studying Film. Nada!

So… I woke up early this morning…and couldn’t get out of bed. Okay, regardless of all the swimming I did this summer, it did nothing for my land-legs. I was SORE. Yesterday, I only walked about 8 miles, but wow… it was really sore. And, the hot water was still NOT working. Luckily, my host mom took me to her gym and they let me shower there last night [I walked back in my “WE WILL X THE WORLD” sweatpants]. Yep, people thought I was insane.

Today was…very boring. I only had three things on the agenda, one being a writing exam at 9am… It was okay. As usual, I took the entire hour and a half to write 400 palabras. After I turned it in though, I realized I used one of the idioms wrong, but oh well. They’ll just have to see my massive improvement by the end of the semester. XP

I bought a cell phone. It’s a Motorola serviced by the company Movistar [Moh-bee-star]. Getting it was an adventure, since I never bought a cell phone in person before IN ENGLISH. Pero, they activated it and everything. It was cool. I realized when I’m reading out loud, I speak much more fluidly. Hahahahah. -_-;;

Yea, anyway. Today was the first time I was able to go somewhere by myself and not feel so petrified. I went to Aroma [twice], a café on one of the main streets called Avenida Santa Fe and had lunch there [the first time]. I sat there and stared out the window, and I had this thought like a dinging bell: So, this is what it’s like for the international students [in 2010] who come to study at Soka…and they’re gonna go out and do it again when they study abroad. I have a much greater respect for them and completely erased my ignorant thought that they were just reluctant to speak the native language of the country they’re in. I guess it gave me some kind of hope. They’re English improved so much in one year, so if I make the effort, I should be able to also.

The rest of the day consisted of academic orientation where we got information on the 3 different tracks they offer here [human rights][diversity, gender & minority][film]. Yay. Alex and Mary WILL let me take the film track. I know… [which reminds me… the coordinator in charge of the film track looks like Mary]. The track is very interesting as the class will be theoretical film studies as well as a rotational observation period to write a critical analysis on. And I can take two other film classes within the film school.

What really got me was… I have to choose one other course in one of the 4 primary universities that’s offered in this program. One. Just uno. So, when I heard this, I thought, okay, it’s just one class. I can easily pick this out. What sort of interesting classes can these universities offer me? Apparently, A. LOT. What had left my mind when I first had this thought was, I get to choose ONE class out of FOUR universities. Yes.

So when I looked at the booklet they gave me… I chose 9 courses, all having to do with media and/or culture. At first I thought, how am I going to whittle this list down to ONE? I had to choose between (roughly translated):
- Arte y Cultura de la Modernidad / Art and Culture of Modernity
- Historia de la Cultura / History of Culture
- Arte, Empresa y Mercado / Art, Companies and the Market
- Publicidad e Internet / Advertising and the Internet
- Educación y Diversidad / Education and Diversity
- Cultura para la Paz y Derechos Humanos / Culture for Peace and Human Rights
- Representaciones Cinematográficas del Mundo del Trabajo / Cinematic Representation of the World of Working
- Los Mass Media y la Construcción de la Memoria Colectiva / The Mass Media and the Construction of the Collective Memory
- Teoría y Medios de la Comunicación / Theory and Modes of Communication

Pero, I don’t want to take a placement test for Universidad de Buenos Aires, so it’s looks like this now…
- Arte y Cultura de la Modernidad / Art and Culture of Modernity
- Historia de la Cultura / History of Culture
- Arte, Empresa y Mercado / Art, Companies and the Market
- Publicidad e Internet / Advertising and the Internet
- Educación y Diversidad / Education and Diversity
- Cultura para la Paz y Derechos Humanos / Culture for Peace and Human Rights
- Representaciones Cinematográficas del Mundo del Trabajo / Cinematic Representation of the World of Working
- Los Mass Media y la Construcción de la Memoria Colectiva / The Mass Media and the Construction of the Collective Memory
- Teoría y Medios de la Comunicación / Theory and Modes of Communication

Geh… I’m tired of looking at it. But, regardless, I’m trying to take a course that’s not offered at Soka in the areas of study I’m interested in. Soka lacks in the theoretical arts and mass media/communications, so I’ve found a greater purpose for being here, for myself.

Just as with any other art medium, I’m not gonna let my lacking Spanish-speaking ability get the better of me and distract me from my goal. I welcome distractions, but this is one I won’t tolerate. I’m beginning to feel the warmth of MMXDYNASTY with me. I knew in my head that I’m not alone because everyone else in 2010 will eventually study abroad also, but I no longer feel so alone, and I truly feel I can get through anything. I don’t have to wait till study abroad is over to be able to "get through anything." I can do it now.

“Traveler,
From whence do you come?
And where do you go?
The moon has set,
But the sun had not yet risen.
In the chaos of darkness before the dawn
Seeking the light,
I advance
To dispel the dark clouds from my mind
To find a great tree unbowed by the tempest
I emerge from the earth.”

-Daisaku Ikeda

If there’s anything I’ve been able to actually SEE in my life, this is it.

An opportunity to take another step towards becoming a film director.

Day 3: Three Strikes and You’re Out!

I am so exhausted that I could pass out any minute, so please bear with me.

You ever wake up one morning and you wonder where you are? I had that this morning. I woke up thinking I was in my suite room waking up to the window next to my bed and feeling the cold stagnate air around me. Ohhh, it was cold all right but not my suite room back at Soka. The house I’m living in doesn’t have central heating, and still, the hot water is not working. Crazy timing, right? I’m glad Soka’s weird weather habits prepared me for it.

I left to meet up with a friend in the same program around the neighborhood and had a little breakfast before we made our way to Plaza de Mayo which was supposed to be a 30-minute bus ride if we actually took the bus, pero we ended up walking down towards Circulo Italiano to find the subway and made it through there. We were 15 minutes late when we got there, but it was okay… So was everyone else.

I’m pretty sure it hit about 45-50 degrees-ish today. I couldn’t feel my fingers. It…was…FREEZING, and what better day to have a tour in the center of Buenos Aires? I was able to practicar mi español today with the other girls in my group. It’s difficult to explain Soka to other people, in Spanish [I suggest everyone learn how to do that first in their respective languages, cuz Soka is giving us the opportunity to expand our horizon. We should show our gratitude by spreading Soka’s name]. At some point or another, I didn’t know what language I was listening to and if I had spoken any lick of English today, all while I have all three languages racing through my head trying to piece together what the hell I’m thinking. I’m still confused.

On the way back to Circulo Italiano, we tried to get on a bus and ended up paying 90 centavos for going 1 block… ¿Por qué? Turns out there was some kind of protest [I dunno what…] in Plaza de Mayo y it was blocking the one road we were trying to take. So, we got off and power-walked the rest of the way so that we wouldn’t be late. I’m sure it was about…mm a good 25 blocks. And we were late again to the academic orientation.

Aaaa… For some reason after I got the orientation, I was really bad at Spanish. My stutter is coming back. ¿Qué horrible, no? I had to ask the academic coordinator about the film track and if it involves any art studio courses that Soka wouldn’t give me credit for… I was completely speechless when I approached her.

Strike Uno…

After this orientation, I had an oral exam…an “interview” con un professor. I freaked. And I was horrible. Literally, horrible. If you could imagine just trying to keep up with the other people in the program, this just brought my self-esteem level to hell. Agh… I know I could speak better than I did. I swear.

Strike Dos…

If you’re expecting the third strike, don’t count on it. I have to admit, I think my Spanish did improve on a microscopically small scale compared to yesterday. I have to give myself credit for that much. Tomorrow I have a written exam [where I know I can reclaim myself] and I’m gonna buy a cell phone. I’m not out yet. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.

PS... I think I will get up extra early to catch up with my faith... x_x

Day 2: Study Abroad is a War Zone… within the Consciousness

Last night, I did gongyo and chanted with the lights out, in bed. I haven’t told my host mom that I’m a Buddhist. I think an eternity’s worth of worries, doubts, and hardships washed over me as I sat in my room, talking to people on Skype. I would’ve chanted all night if I could. But, instead I lulled myself to sleep with my mind deeply ringing, Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo.

So, I woke up this morning to Micro’s “Yukiyanagi” and I thought, if I were truly myself, then I really shouldn’t have to make so much of an effort, because I know I can work hard and better my Spanish. This is the mentality I woke to despite how I felt last night

The first thing I’m told is, “Tengo mala noticia. We have no hot water. It’s never happened before, lo siento.” I was like what the fuck. Okay, let me backtrack. I left Sunday at 2pm. The last I had showered was that Sunday morning. It would’ve been 2 days… 2 DAYS if I didn’t shower today.

“Dot. Dot. Dot.” I know.

But I insisted, and so I did. A nice cold shower. It felt good, even though it was about 50 degrees outside. -__-;; So that’s how I started my day.

After my host mom escorted me to Circulo Italiano, which was a few blocks down, I was wondering what to do myself. I think in high school, outside of the friends I hung out with, I didn’t really talk to anyone. I’m bad with that kind of thing. I’m sure if I were to meet myself, I would think I’m insanely, socially awkward. But, I guess after the first part of orientation, it wasn’t so bad. I met with 2 of the …5[?] 7[?] people who are taking the film track. I also met with the people who live near me. It was a nice mix. And turns out, I’m not the only one who was the only one that came from their respective university. W00t.

Moment of the day: “Soka’s in Southern California.” “Oh, Duh, SoCa!” “Not Exactly.”

I went to a café with a friend, trying to speak Spanish, and had a ham sandwich. I learned and realized many things in the hour that I sat there, like:
- I can barely finish an Argentine meal, even if it’s a two sandwiches (with no crust)
- Even water comes in a glass bottle
- The check needs to be asked for in order to get one and tip is 10%
- My Spanish sucks
- Argentines are very kind and friendly

Afterwards, I walked to a nearby post office… It didn’t feel like a post office. It’s been a while since I’ve been in one in the States, but this post office was one of the most eerily quiet places I’d seen…even despite the city noise going on outside. It was like I was stuffed into a soundproof room. People were whispering, but I could literally not hear them. I swear I thought I had gone deaf. There were so many people waiting, so we ended up leaving. Back to orientation!

I learned about public transportation. I think I might buy a subway card. I realized it’s really convenient to live in the city, because, regardless of where you are, you are always close to everything. Hahaha. Orientation ended at 18:30. And that was it.

I had a better day, meeting people, getting to know the logistics of the program, and just general Welcome to Buenos Aires orientation. At first, I lost confidence, broke down internally, maybe even died because everyone could speak better than I could. Seriously, a quarter of the program (124 of us in total) studies Spanish as a major. These people actually study Spanish for their future, whereas I’m just here because luck brought me here, and into the film track.

But, as I met more people, there are just as many people here that are like me, and I was thankful, thankful because there are people here that I can grow with, on the same level. I’m glad I’m able to really hone my listening skills though. I was able to practice, through watching tv last night [I have a tv in my room]. Gotta start somewhere, right?

To all the people that’s ever given me a note/card/letter, I brought them with me and I read them every day. So, this is what it feels like to be drafted into the war and be so far away from all that you care for, fighting for something that you believe will benefit you and the world in the end. Study abroad is a war zone, a battlefield for human revolution. Still can’t believe the fact that I’m gonna be here for 5 months though. It’s unreal…it’s ridiculous… I miss everyone already. How will I survive it?

By the way, isn’t it great to know that I could be one of the 50% of girls in the program who could get robbed?

Yay.

Day 1: "Bienvenidos a Buenos Aires"

I don’t know why even for a second I was thinking that Buenos Aires would be different from any other place. Okay, so aside from Japan, Argentina is my only foreign country endeavor, and to be completely honest, they don’t change much. Culturally, there may be a gap, but humanity hasn’t lost hope. People here are much nicer than Americans. Or maybe it’s the fact that I actually look foreign. *gasp*

Well, getting out of the plane was no problem. Actually nothing really was a problem. I think the only thing that surprised me was how people drive down here. And, you know, I heard stories about it, but to see it first-hand was a different experience. Lanes are nothing but a myth and the moment someone tries to cut in front of you, you’re so close you could reach out the window and touch the person’s face.

So, aside from that, I live in on 9th floor with an Argentine English teacher. She’s really nice and helped me to get settled pretty quickly. When I first got here though, I thought the housekeeper was my host mom. I was slightly confused for the first hour or so of my stay, but that’s okay. We had lunch, and people in those travel books weren’t joking when they said that porteños like to talk about current issues, much more than Americans do. I was also surprised how much my host mom knew about the governmental situation in the U.S. Props for being informed.

I think one of the least of my concerns revealed itself when I was realized how much I took for granted, just simple every day conversations. I knew conversationally, I’m not as proficient, but I had thought, I wouldn’t need to talk much. But I realized today, speaking is an essential need for communication. I guess speaking English makes you forget those things.

Aside from that, my first day here in Buenos Aires was nerve-wrecking, but also fun. I was able to talk to the program director in Spanish. To describe Buenos Aires, I would say that it is as wet as Florida when it rains, cold as California when it gets cold, smells like Tokyo, and everything else in between. I get to explore more tomorrow when I meet the rest of my study abroad U.S. amigos.

Day 0: Enough to Want to Miss My Flight

Packing took all of last night. I ended up switching my bags twice before I actually stuck with the third one, first from bag to two bags, to a different bag.

One thing to remember. Vacuum pack bags are a godsend. Use them, get them, but don’t over-pack with them or else you’ll go overweight.

So, I finished packing 30 minutes before I was to leave the house. Great, right? But then, Nyamada called me and reminded me that I needed to take my Omamori. I was so glad she called cuz I seriously would’ve forgotten it.

Spent an hour sitting with the family before my departure outside the security area, and it was…fun? It’s interesting that only during these moments you really realize how much your family has been there for you. And it’s also interesting how much people mean to you, also. I met with Nyamada and her mom when I got to ATL. I think knowing that I am not alone in wanting to just skip over study abroad and make it January made me feel much better about actually going.

As I left the security gates and turning back to look at the hundreds of other people taking off on their own journeys, I had a sudden epiphany. It’s not as if I’m leaving for good. If anything, the time I’m spending in Buenos Aires is a single second compared to the amount of time I will be spending the rest of my life. So, to not waste a single moment, I have to cherish all that I do during study abroad.

This became much clearer when I actually boarded the plane from ATL to BA. I saw two Japanese people sitting across from me, and all they knew how to say was “hola” and “gracias”…maybe a few words in between, and yet they were going to Buenos Aires just for the heck of it. If they could do that, why couldn’t I? I have the opportunity to study in a different country. I should feel lucky.

Study abroad is supposed to be a life-changing experience, or at least that’s what people say, but somehow, I feel like I’m getting kicked out of my nest just a tad bit too early. But, I feel that if I’m able to get through these 156 days, I can get through anything. I think I’ll have the courage to do anything without hesitation. So I took the jump. The jump that’s supposed to mean something by the end of it. We’ll see.

So long, America.

Day -3: Itinerary

Day -4: Slightly Schizophrenic

There are some days you just have to sit and wonder what the meaning of your life is. As cliche as that may sound, it is true. I mean, that's the reason why we have religion, right, because ultimately, we believe that there is more to our lives than what we are doing right this moment. But, sometimes we're so sure of ourselves, we become blinded by an illusion that we ourselves create. Then, one day, you realize that you don't know yourself at all. And somehow, you can't help but feel betrayed, feel alone and confused, wondering who was it that you were living, because it wasn't you. You become lost, wondering where YOU are. You begin to hate you, for being so betrayed. You wonder how you could do this to yourself.

It's been 6 years since I've felt the betrayal, the hate for who I was, who I was becoming, and fearing who I would be. It's quite interesting what high school can do to a person, how he or she is influenced, how anything and everything could be the breaking point between being among the best or falling among the worst, all this with all too much time on the hands, to think...too hard.

I think this past year, as a sophomore in college, and I guess it could even stretch back to freshman year, I was able to break free of being so conscious of myself. I was able to close my eyes and just listen, letting people's concerns and needs just pour into my ears. I worked for the people and I loved it. It eased the pain of knowing that I was away from harms way, away from myself.

I never knew, just how detrimental that could be.

Second semester of sophomore year completely stopped me from going further. I had meetings every night to attend, practices to run, minutes to type up, events to work, computers to fix, people to connect with, all that on top of school work. I barely slept, and occasionally skipped meals. It wasn't too long before my body physically broke down and told me to stop. And so I was bedridden for 3 days, I felt like dying. It was the first time in 2 years since I felt much like a failure and so betrayed. My body had betrayed me and kept me from upholding my responsibilities.

At the time, every aspect of me (mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, academically) was apart from each other. Everything worked on their own accord, so all I could think about were the people, outside of myself. I had thought, that my reason for existence was to cater to the people's needs. I didn't care whether I was a leader or not, but I made sure I was free for whatever help people needed.

I was too busy to hear myself screaming for attention.

But at 11:30pm this last evening, I realized that it's time for me to step down. Because I've accomplished being able to listen to people and to be able to cater to them. It's now my turn to be the member and to be the voice to be heard.

For the first time in 6 years, I'm together, one, with myself again, and with this newfound self, I will walk the path of humanity in my own way. I realized that one day, I won't have the privilege to lead the people, and I would have to accept that. I've been around people for far too long. The summer has taught me to become independent and not get depressed about it. In fact, I think this is the first summer in 3 years that I have not gotten physically affected from depression.

I guess the mindset of going abroad had left me no choice, but to embrace the fact that I will be alone in a place that I'm not familiar with, in a city where I will know almost no one, in a country where I'm unable to fully communicate my thoughts. But, I'm pretty sure I'll be able to overcome it, as big of a challenge as it may be. I have to.

I'll think of this as training for the future. It has to be. Because the way I see it, one day, I won't have the luxury of being able to communicate so openly with people who are just as open, to live in such a warm environment, to feel so comfortable about opening my heart, because there are so many unkind people who have yet to have their hearts unlocked, and their eyes opened.

One day, we won't have that kind of life just given to us. We have to build it.

So, I have to strengthen myself first before I can cater to others. I have to be strong if I expect others to be strong; after all, we all have to stand together, side by side, to walk this earth. If I strengthen myself, I can make any place a Soka to look back on and say, "I've really made a connection here. I can trust that these people will stand by me, fighting for the same thing I am, for the sake of humanity."

I've found myself, and hope to stay this way, and not lose or forget myself again.

One.

"One with my mentor.
Many in body; One in mind
One person can change the world"
- YPG '08 Festival