Day 36: Total Slap in the Face

SUA is going to start without a quarter of 2010 on campus. Just as we are spread around the world fulfilling our requirements for SUA, everyone else is going back to fulfill their end on campus. I came to this realization when I got this academic year’s first SUA Today. It’s hard to believe that life is starting back up again in the Soka bubble.

That, and my vacation is officially over. Trial period for all of my classes have ended and now I have to take all of my classes seriously. School’s in session again and as much as I wanted to start classes, it’s hard for me to muster up the will to actually go to class, for fear that I won’t know what to say if a teacher asks me a question or if I won’t be able to say the right thing.

But, it’s not so easy to run away.

I know I have to study, it’s my priority after all. But, watching 2 movies for class with a friend today, I could only imagine what my professors would ask me about what I thought about the aesthetics of these two movies. Granted I loved the two movies I watched El Abrazo Partido and Nueve Reinas both Argentine movies. Argentine movies are a genre of their own, and I like it. I’m happy to be studying film here but at the same time…

how much longer will I last?

When my friend and I were looking for a place to watch the DVDs, my friend requested that I ask my host mom first whether we can watch it in my room, because her host mom talked shit about Asians and didn’t want me to go through any troubles. I appreciated her consideration, as I think it would’ve made me even more reluctant to get out, but at the same time.

I don’t see why people have problems with each other when it concerns their race. Race doesn’t really say anything about a person. I’ve had this issue growing up as well, being judged for who I am based on how I look. It’s rather annoying, and shallow on the people’s part. In class, people laugh…and I’m not doing the slightest thing to make them laugh. I get asked if I’m Chinese, and I say no, I’m Japanese, and they laugh. All I hear is laughing… That’s just my getting the environment get to me.

I just want to sit inside the bathroom and just sigh. No one will bother me in there.

The world is screaming for attention and I can’t help, but fall prey to it. I feel I’m being rushed, being pressured to do things that I don’t want to, being put into unnecessary situations that can easily be avoided, and it’s all just so frustrating. I’m reaching a breaking point, and I have no piano, no kendo, nothing to release these frustrations.

All I can do is chant. That’s all.

But, dear friends, I’m sorry, but right now, it’s nearly impossible to look ahead. I want to go outside right now. Just sit in the dark on the sidewalk. Waiting for something to happen.

Though I doubt anything will.